Dealing with a child’s
emotional and behavioral problems can be difficult. It’s hard for
parents to judge how serious their child’s problems are or to decide
how to handle them. Some upsetting behavior may be temporary, due to
circumstances such as a move or the birth of a sibling. Some
problems, particularly ones affecting schoolwork, can be resolved
after an evaluation by a school psychologist. Other troubling
behavior patterns indicate deeper, ongoing problems that require
Complicating the issue of treating emotional problems are parents’
questions and fears. Although parents wouldn’t hesitate to contact a
pediatrician about their child’s physical illnesses, they’re often
quite reluctant to talk to a therapist about emotional difficulties.
Many parents don’t know what’s involved in child therapy and fear
the unknown. They may worry that their child will be stigmatized or
labeled. They find his problems too complex to deal with, and they
avoid therapy out of a sense of frustration or helplessness. There
are parents who can’t look at their child’s behavior objectively and
miss problems that are obvious to others.
The tendency for parents to resist child therapy is natural. They
usually blame themselves for their child’s problems: “Maybe I should
have spent more time with her.” “I should have set firmer limits.”
They feel guilty and may avoid seeking help rather than face their
Although parents sometimes decide on their own to seek a child
therapist, the initiative often comes from a pediatrician, teacher,
or school counselor who’s noticed troubling symptoms in the child.
His schoolwork may be poor, he may be disrupting the class, or he
may show physical signs of stress. Parents who are initially upset
by a recommendation to seek therapy sometimes feel relief at the
prospect of finding answers and help.
It’s hard to generalize about the severity and nature of emotional
problems, but there are signs parents can look for when evaluating
their child. Does he have a difficult time expressing his anger?
Does he seem especially angry? Is his home situation stressful? Has
there been recent family trauma? Are his behavior patterns
significantly different from his peers’? Does he get into fights at
school? Do neighborhood parents report that he’s too aggressive?
Does he work below his potential at school? Does his teacher report
negative behavior? Is he withdrawn? Does he have a poor self-image?
Has anyone suggested he take medication for behavioral reasons?
Parents should remember that all children display some of these
behavioral problems at times, particularly when they are adjusting
to changes in their lives, such as school pressures, parents’ new
work schedules, or tensions in the home. Parents need to worry only
when consistent patterns of troubling behavior affect their child’s
social life and schoolwork.
Most eight- and nine-year-old children begin “talk” therapy while
most six- and seven-year-olds begin with “play therapy.” Since these
younger children usually have a hard time verbalizing their
feelings, therapists have them communicate through play sessions.
Kid's liter ally play out their feelings. While a child pretends
with toys or uses clay or drawing materials, his therapist observes
and talks with him. If he sets up a mock battle with two figures,
the therapist may say, “They must be really angry with each other.
Does that kind of fighting remind you of other fights you’ve seen?”
A good therapist knows how to interpret play and how to help a child
work through difficult issues in the one-on-one setting of a therapy
session. One eight-year-old said that his “feelings” doctor helped
him stop thinking about robbers and monsters at night.
If you feel your child needs professional help, seek recommendations
from your pediatrician or a school counselor. You could consult a
clinical social worker, psychologist, or child psychiatrist. Just be
sure whoever you select has expertise and experience working with
children. You can call your local AMA or American Psychological
Association chapter to verify a therapist’s credentials.
Consider interviewing at least two therapists, either by phone or in
person, to find out about their practices, fees, personalities, and
approaches. Ask about the therapist’s training and about what goes
on during a session. Ask how therapy will help your child and how
the therapist will keep you informed. Will she observe your child at
school? Will she do testing? Does she have a sliding payment scale
and does she submit statements to insurance companies? Ask how she
suggests you talk to your child about therapy.
When you’ve chosen a therapist, tell your child what the initial
visit will be like and explain that the therapist is someone who
helps children feels happier and more comfortable with their family,
school, and friends. You child may develop a strong attachment to
his therapist. The therapist is someone he can trust and someone who
accepts his feelings—good and bad—without passing judgment.
Throughout the course of treatment, keep in close contact with the
therapist. If you don’t see the progress you expected, talk to her.
She should be willing to answer all your questions.
Although it may be difficult for you to accept that your child needs
therapy, you’re doing the right thing if you seek help when he’s
young. It will be easier for him to alter his behavior and work
through problems now than it will be when he’s a teenager. And even
at his young age, change may be slow and gradual. Focus on the
progress he makes. It’s never easy to alter a child’s behavior or
self-image, but with time and patience, you and he should find
therapy a remarkably positive experience.