Of all the words not to say when a discussion is turning heated, ‘you’ triggers a myriad of emotions: anger, resistance, shame, distrust, or guilt. When faced with, ‘You’re crazy,’ ‘You should be ashamed,’ ‘You’re wrong,’ ‘You could do better,’ or ‘You can’t,’ your response is doubt, insecurity, or fear. Not exactly a great way to get to a resolution! Effective communication is about what not to say as much as it is about what to say.
At the beginning of a relationship, we attend to the other person because we want to get to know them. We spend hours in conversation, discovering each other. No fact too small, no story too long. The building of the relationship has newness and surprises.
Then comes married life. Work pressure, money issues, no time to connect, parenting tensions, and aging parents become our ever-present companions. More and more conversations have morphed into an argument or confrontation. How did we get here? Though the relationship may be deepening by virtue of shared experiences, it is becoming undermined by an invisible change in communication.
So what can you do? Begin to build a toolbox of relationship communication skills. Become aware of several behaviors that get in the way of having clear communication.
- Using trigger words that you know will put the other on the defensive.
- Using emotionally-laden words that attack dignity, such as thoughtless, stubborn, inflexible, bossy, or impulsive.
- Using absolute words such as ‘always,’ ‘never,’ ‘no one,’ ‘everyone,’ and ‘all’
- Allowing the need to win overcome the value the relationship
- Raising your voice. It may indicate your passion about the issue, but it is perceived as a way of gaining power, as well as not listening
- When you don’t deal with the issue at hand, it will fester inside you, and your partner will be mystified by the silence and psychological isolation that occurs. The silent treatment is a form of emotional isolation that no one deserves nor should tolerate.
The first three behaviors center around word choice. Trigger words are ones that come from a person’s history, and their reaction to them is comes from the emotional part of the brain. Absolute words and emotionally–laden words that attack dignity or self-esteem are perceived by the receiver as unfair and believing, that in your eyes, there is no room for growth. To work on your word choice behavior:
- Sit down and write a list of your trigger, absolute, and emotionally–laden words and why they trigger or make you defensive.
- Next to each word, write why it is a trouble word, and at what age and under what circumstances it became one
- Share your list with your beloved. There will be two outcomes. First, you will reach a new level of understanding in your relationship. Second, your awareness of the off-limit words will result in thinking more before you speak to ensure that you use words from the critical thinking instead of the reactive or emotional side of your brain
Needing to win is a leading cause of disagreements escalating to arguments. It is a myth that constant arguments are good for a relationship. Clearing the air does not require a thunderstorm! Indeed, the absence of arguments is due to a couple creating good ground rules around communication. The question to ask: Is winning worth more to me than the health of the relationship?
A raised voice is an indication that emotion has overtaken reason. Take a time out. Go to different rooms for five minutes to quiet the emotional side of the brain and re-engage the thinking part of the brain.
Love is based on honesty and trust. Each partner needs to know that they can be totally honest with the other, and that honesty will be handled compassionately and gently, and the trust you have put in the other by being honest will not be betrayed.