Shame is the internalized conviction that something is ‘wrong with me’, that ‘I don’t count’, ‘I don’t belong’, ‘I don’t deserve to be loved’ or that ‘I feel like a fake’. Inherent in shame is a deep-seated belief that if people really knew you, they would not like you.
In his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw defines two aspects of shame. One is healthy shame, which is the emotion felt that signals when boundaries and acceptable limits of behaviour have been reached (I have made a mistake). The toxic version is hidden, suppressed and covered up and says there is something basically wrong or bad about me (I am a mistake). Toxic shame is the secret you keep about your defective nature that you would never tell another person for fear of judgment or loss of love.
The spiral of shame begins when children are criticised, punished, abandoned or otherwise abused or neglected that generates the belief that they are flawed. These convictions are unconsciously embedded and breed an adult who believes they are inadequate, inferior or unworthy. You can experience shaming around your sexuality, your body, and your behaviours. Disapproval, primarily from parents, for your actions can be the result of their own toxic shame being triggered because your behaviour is causing them discomfort. Your parents’ shame can be passed on to you from their inherited cultural, ancestral and community norms, which can create a multi-generational stigma of shame. So, in some ways, the shame that holds you back may not even be yours!
“A person with internalised shame believes he is inherently flawed, inferior and defective. Such a feeling is so painful that defending scripts (or strategies) are developed to cover it up. These scripts are the roots of violence, criminality, war and all forms of addiction.” ~ John Bradshaw
Shame is a stealth emotional wound that operates in the shadows of your awareness. It runs unconscious programs in your life that need to be made conscious in order to be released. Nothing less than your personal peace is at stake.
Consider your answers to the following to help you assess the level of toxic shame at work in your life:
Personal wholeness and happiness is only possible through being able to give and receive love unconditionally. Healing shame can be the most powerful way to disperse the inability to accept your lovability.
Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw
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