Being a supportive friend can be difficult. Balancing the needs of someone you care deeply about with your own is often challenging, and there are moments when you feel you need to prioritize someone else’s needs above your own and vice versa. Violence does not happen in a vacuum—like a pebble dropped into a lake, the impact causes ripples to spread through the surrounding water. When a sexual assault occurs, the person who was assaulted is not the only one affected—the violence that person experienced affects his/her relationships with others. The knowledge of such an awful thing happening to someone you care about, and possibly even the knowledge of the person who committed such a heinous act, can lead to a variety of emotions and confusion.
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You may want to believe your friend but find yourself struggling to do so. Thoughts such as "Well, she shouldn’t have gotten that drunk," "I told him that dude was bad news," or "he didn’t want to sleep with her? I thought all guys wanted sex," are common. Reading more about rape myths can help you understand how many of the things we see and hear in the media help create ideas about sexual assault that place blame on the victim rather than on the rapist. No one should rape anyone else—the fact that people do rape other people is the problem, not what the victim was doing, drinking or wearing. Many rapists actively look for opportunities to take advantage of situations in which a person is vulnerable, and none of us can be completely invulnerable at every moment of every day, nor should we have to be. Many societies encourage people, women particularly, do to things to “avoid being raped” rather than teach people to not rape others. In such a society, it is natural to have conflicting thoughts about who is accountable. Many universities have faculty or staff allies that you can discuss these issues with, or who can provide further information to help you understand the nature of sexual assault.
Some of the things your friend tells you may not make complete sense, but remember that your friend may have difficulty understanding what happened during the assault, especially if (s)he had consumed alcohol or substances prior to its occurrence. Your friend might be suffering from PTSD, which affects memory and the ability to recount what happened. You can help your friend make sense of it by asking what (s)he remembers, and at what points (s)he thinks certain details may have happened. The mind has different ways of trying to cope with trauma, and your friend may not fit your idea of what a victim looks or acts like, but that does not make her/him any less of a victim.
You may also know, or be friends with, the person who assaulted your friend. This may cause a lot of confusion about your role as a friend in this situation, or what to believe. You are not alone—about 77% of survivors knew the perpetrator prior to the assault, and as such, many friends of survivors also know the perpetrator. It may be difficult to believe that a person you know and may care about could sexually assault or rape someone else. It is estimated that less than 5% of reported assaults are fictitious—you may feel that there was much “grey area” around the assault, and we encourage you to utilize other parts of this website to get more clarity on what constitutes sexual assault.
You may struggle with how you are going to interact with the perpetrator. You may want to completely stop speaking to the perpetrator, tell everyone you know that (s)he is a rapist so that your other friends and acquaintances can protect themselves, or keep being civil or friendly towards the perpetrator. Seek out support from a trusted mentor or counselor, but do not share details about this conflict with your friend who survived the assault. (S)he may have their own struggles with this same topic, and it may feel like (s)he is not being supported if you want to continue being friends with the perpetrator.
You may see your friend’s wonderful personality disappear for a while. That person is not gone. Your friend may need reminding that they are still a whole person, and that they are going through something difficult right now. Your friend may feel weak or stupid, and may need you to remind her/him that they are strong and intelligent. If your friend is doubting her/himself, use examples of times when they exemplified the qualities they feel they are lacking. Seeing your friend depressed, or numb, or engaging in a coping strategy that you feel is destructive may be difficult. Your friend may not be as “fun” as (s)he was before the assault. Still, (s)he needs your support. If you want to de-stress, encourage your friend to join you. Talk to your friend if you are concerned about her/him.
You may have your own history with abuse or assault. Discussing details about your friend’s assault can be triggering or bring you back to a bad place in your own life. It is okay to tell your friend that it is difficult for you to talk about certain topics, but that you want to be there for her/him. You may feel that you are better equipped to help your friend through the assault because of your own experience, or you may feel that it is too difficult for you. Telling your friend that you are not at a point where you can comfortably talk about sexual assault or abuse is okay. This does not make you a bad friend. If negative feelings around your own experiences with abuse or assault start resurfacing, seek out someone who can help you deal with them. This may be a different friend, a counselor or other trusted adult.
Tips for Self-Care
Make a list of things you enjoy doing, that require little effort, and engage in those when you feel overwhelmed. Some examples are:
- Listening to music
- Doodling, drawing, or painting
- Watching or listening to something educational and unrelated to assault (i.e. many podcasts or Youtube videos cover a range of topics)
- Playing with a pet animal or a friend’s pet animal, or attending a "pet therapy" session if your school offers this resource
- Doing a physical self-care activity, like getting a massage, doing your nails or getting a haircut
- Exercise—walking around campus or a park, going for a run, hitting the gym
- Eating well. This means eating foods that are filling, healthy, and tasty. Take the time to cook yourself a meal or make one with friends.