From the Words section of section of my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells: “Watch your as.”
As I sipped my coffee this morning, I typed, “Watch your as.”
What’s wrong with that bit of narrative? Well, I’m not about to be able to sip my coffee and type simultaneously unless I’ve got three hands. Oh, I guess it’s possible—if I were sipping my coffee through a straw while typing. But who does that?
We’re about to pick at a nit here—the misuse of the “as” construction in narratives.
I suspect you’ve seen a phrase such as the example above, and it may not have struck you that something was awry. When you examine it, though, it describes a highly improbable event.
Y’see, in this situation “as” means simultaneously. Often I see writers use “as” when they should be using “when,” or sometimes “after.”
In the opening example, it should be something like:
I sipped my coffee, and then I typed, “Watch your as.”
Following are examples collected from samples and manuscripts I’ve received.
Morgan collapsed onto the sofa as his knees gave way.
To my mind, the collapse was the result of his knees giving way. He wouldn’t collapse as they gave way because they haven’t finished giving way, and so are not “collapsible.” The fix here is to use “when” (after would also work):
Morgan collapsed onto the sofa when his knees gave way.
What about this one?
As I flipped the switch the kitchen was flooded with light and I saw Portia on the floor.
You see it coming, don’t you? While I’m at it, I’ll get rid of a “was.”
When I flipped the light switch, light flooded the kitchen and I saw Portia on the floor.
That was a clear case of “when” because light would not flood the kitchen until after the switch was flipped. With “as,” the switch could be anywhere in the process of completing the circuit, including before it’s completed.
“As” often ignores a stimulus and response scenario.
George stiffened as the man swore a solemn oath.
I see the stiffening as a reaction to the nature (and content) of the oath, not the act of swearing. How would George know it was solemn until it was spoken? An adjustment:
The man swore a solemn oath. George stiffened.
Some uses of “as” are downright sloppy:
Lee jokes as he swigs from his bottle.
Have you ever tried telling a joke while simultaneously taking a swig from a bottle? If that’s your habit, remind me not to buy you a drink. How it might be written:
Lee swigs from his bottle and then jokes.
From a romance:
As their eyes met her knees turned to butter.
Nope, the buttery knees were a reaction to the meeting of their gazes (not eyes). “When” tells you the sequence of events.
When their gazes met, her knees turned to butter.
Chills ran down Tim’s spine as he realized that evil was close to his son.
Once again, there’s a cause-and-effect time sequence necessary here, to my way of thinking. Doesn’t it seem logical that the chills are caused by the realization, and thus can’t be running anywhere until after the realization?
When Tim realized that evil was close to his son, chills ran down his spine.
Side note: I would suggest to the writer that “ran down his spine” is hackneyed, if not clichéd, and to look for a fresh way to describe the reaction.
Here’s one from an accomplished writer:
Instinct saved my face from being slashed as I ducked away at the last second.
Once again, we’re dealing with a linear cause and effect. Seems to me that his instincts caused the ducking, and therefore had to precede it. The instinctive motivation to move and the movement itself can’t be simultaneous. Here’s one way to do it with a semi-colon:
Instinct saved my face from being slashed; I ducked away at the last second.
Another cause-and-effect situation:
Squirrels scattered as my bike tires hit the cinder alley behind our house.
Again, “when” seems to me to be the more accurate word. The squirrels react to the sound of the tires hitting the gravel, which can only be generated when they hit, and then the squirrels hear it.
An ambivalent usage:
He quivered as her feminine odor wafted into his nostrils.
This one is borderline. He could certainly do the quivering as the odor wafted in, but the writer’s clear intent was to let the reader know that the odor caused the quiver. I think it would have created a more logical sense of what was happening with:
He quivered when her feminine odor wafted into his nostrils.
There are, of course, times when the “as” construction serves a narrative well by describing things that can, and should, happen simultaneously. For example,
Marcie laughed as she swung Amy back and forth.
As he lathered his face, he debated whether to wear a suit or not.
She gnawed her lip in frustration as she watched him leave.
Hmm. As I look at these four examples, I find myself thinking that maybe “while” would serve better than “as” in some of them.
I suggest (and I’ve done this with my own work) doing a search for “as” (remember to select “Find whole words only” or it’ll drive you crazy) and see if your usage truly makes sense. Or if perhaps “while” is a better alternative, or what you really need is a “when” or an “after.”
For what it’s worth
© 2011 Ray Rhamey