Crime, disasters, fires, kidnapping, terrorism — our news and social media feeds are full of catastrophic events that are hard for adults to deal with, let alone kids. Even if you shut off the TV and curb social media use, kids hear about scary incidents from friends. And at school, students practice “active shooter” drills.
Here are some tips for parents on how to help children and teens cope with disturbing information and still feel secure.
Take a deep breath
The most important thing you can do is calm yourself before discussing scary events.
“Children take 25 percent of their cues from what their parents say, and 75 percent from their parents’ emotional state,” says James Clark, a child trauma expert who is dean of the College of Social Work at Florida State University and co-founder of the University of Kentucky’s Center on Trauma and Children.
Kids’ emotional lives are rooted in the reactions of their parents. Even babies can sense when a parent is anxious. Children pick up on their parents’ stress more than their words, and it increases their own anxiety. If a news event upsets you, take deep breaths or go outside for a few minutes before talking about it with your kids.
“On a plane, they tell you to strap on your own oxygen mask before you do the child’s. It’s a good metaphor,” Clark says.
Take charge and reassure
If you can’t calm down completely, control your voice and fake it a little. That’s what Clark’s wife had to do during the 9/11 attacks when her husband was traveling in Boston and their young daughters watched the planes hit the towers on TV.
“I thought you said flying was safe, Mommy,” said the middle child, age 5, who heard that one of the planes took off from Boston. Cellphone traffic was jammed, and Clark’s wife was unable to reach him for several hours. She pulled herself together, changed the channel and explained that the family was OK and not in danger. Later, James Clark called and reassured their daughters some more.
“We told them, ‘We will tell you if you’re in any danger.’ We told them to pray for the people. Even when we didn’t have all the information, we took charge of the situation,” Clark says.
Because children are egocentric, they will focus on the possibility of a similar event happening to them. Reassure them that catastrophic events are unusual, and explain that safety measures are in place to prevent them. Don’t overwhelm them with too much information, but listen to their questions and respond clearly and honestly.
Have them stick to their daily routines, but limit their exposure to TV and social media replays of the event.
A study conducted after the 2013 Boston Marathon bombings found that people who watched more than six hours of daily media coverage about the event were more likely to experience symptoms of acute stress than those who were directly affected.
If they’re not directly involved, most children and teens will recover quickly from their fear about a traumatic event. But if they have trouble sleeping, have nightmares about the event, become clingy and jumpy and persistently express worries about another disaster, they may need professional help.
A box for feelings
While you don’t want to grill kids about how they feel, you should gently encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings about frightening events, says Kathleen Corcoran, a child psychologist in Weston, a suburb of Miami.
For younger kids, Corcoran sometimes uses a “feelings box,” also called a worries box. Any time children experience a strong emotion about something, especially a worry or fear, they are encouraged to draw or write their feelings on a slip of paper and place it in a box, such as a child-decorated shoebox. When a parent is available, the child shares what is on the slip.
“It gives the child the message that thoughts and feelings are important. We don’t throw them away, but they’re safely contained in a feelings box. You have big feelings, but they’re not too big to be managed,” Corcoran says.
Another technique has kids create a “safety booklet” showing all the people who love them and all who help keep them safe, including parents and other relatives to teachers, neighbors, police and firefighters.
You can’t stop your kids from hearing terrible news. But if you project strength and calm, keep them from reliving the event through media and give them an outlet for their feelings, they’ll learn they can cope with it. The good news is after children deal with a scary event successfully, they gain confidence for the next time.
—Teresa Meek for Publix