There are four possible reactions when someone gives us feedback, depending on a combination of how open we are to the feedback and how confident we are in our own ability to handle and learn from challenges.
Defensive (Low Openness/Low Confidence)
Take the feedback as an attack, whatever the intention behind it. The feedback may be about one small aspect of behaviour or performance, but it’s received as if it was aimed at our identity. Our emotions respond as if it was a threat to our existence.
We might respond by blocking the feedback out and ignoring it, by denying that there is any truth in it, or by getting angry and retaliating. Either way, we learn nothing and damage our relationship with the giver of the feedback.
Dispirited (High Openness/Low Confidence)
Take the feedback on board uncritically, agreeing with every word (at least inwardly) and feeling crushed by it, without checking if the feedback is supported by the facts.
As with the defensive reaction, we take the feedback as if it was a criticism of us at the identity level, rather than a statement about our behaviour, and have a correspondingly strong emotional response.
Even though we agree with the feedback, we may be too demoralised to learn from it and change our behaviour.
Dismissive (Low Openness/High Confidence)
Don’t take the feedback seriously, automatically assuming that the facts of the feedback are wrong and/or that the person giving the feedback is not to be taken seriously.
With this reaction, we are not upset by the feedback, but equally we do not engage with it and so miss out on the chance to learn anything from it.
Open (High Openness/High Confidence)
To be open to feedback, remain calm so that you are not hijacked by a ‘knee-jerk’ emotional reaction. Rather than taking any criticism or praise instantly to heart, you can keep it while you check how it relates to your recollection of the incident or behaviour that the feedback is about.
Also recognise that your first emotional response to the feedback may change when you examine it in a more detached, dispassionate way later.
When you do this, you can accept and learn from any useful information in the feedback, while dispassionately discarding any elements that don’t fit the facts. You will also be able to make allowances if the person giving the feedback is not very skilled at delivering it.
Note that this response requires confidence in your ability to learn and improve, rather than in your current performance level, so you can be open to feedback with any level of ability.
How To Stop Critical Feedback From Sapping Your Confidence
- When receiving the feedback, centre yourself. Imagine the critical feedback staying at arm’s length from you.
- Imagine viewing yourself and the giver of the feedback from the outside, so you can distance yourself from any emotional impact. Notice the emotional state of the person giving the feedback.
- After the event, write a brief one-paragraph description of the original incident and then around a page about what you have learned and what you will do differently. This ensures that when you remember the incident, you will also remember what you have learned.