In the previous post I talked about why wanting revenge is stupid. I also mentioned how revenge and anger tend to go hand-in-hand, so I wanted to follow-up that post with a post about anger. According to Dictionary.com anger is defined as:
A strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.
When we suffer from a traumatic experience such a bullying, we feel wronged, and we can get angry as a result. We'll either feel angry at the time of the bullying or later in life as we're trying to process what happened to us. This is a completely normal reaction, and it can be just as good for us as it can be a bad thing. The important thing is to understand our anger and take control of it. In this post we'll try to get a better understanding of anger, why we experience it as a result of a traumatic event, and how we can better deal with it.
Anger is an emotion that we all experience at times. It's actually crucial for our survival. It's a defense mechanism that alerts us to something that we perceive as threatening. You're probably aware of the fight-or-flight response where your heart beats faster, your breathing gets heavier, and your muscles tense. The body prepares us to either fight or flee. This is mostly a good thing. We'll talk about how it can be a bad thing later in the post.
Anger is a short-lived reaction; however, it can occur frequently. This isn't to be confused with bitterness, which is a sustained feeling. We'll talk about the differences between the two at a later time. The problem with anger comes when we can't control it, or when we overreact. This can be especially problematic in a public setting. Have you ever seen someone fly off the handle in public? It's not very pretty is it? Typically that person has something else going on that caused them to react that way in the first place. That's the thing about anger - it's never the actual problem. It's just a reaction; a symptom of a much larger issue.
Using anger in a positive way means taking the time to understand why we feel angry and what the best way to deal with it is. It means that we have control over the feeling rather than it having control over us. You might use your feelings of anger to be assertive and take a stand for what is important to you. Others are more likely to respond respectfully if you take this approach as opposed to you screaming irrationally at them. Think about it - how do you react when someone yells at you to try to get their point across? Probably not very well, and who would?
If we express our anger by being verbally abusive or acting violent, no one is going to respect us. The best way to earn the respect of others is to show that we are in control of ourselves. You might think that lashing out is going to make you feel better, but it's not. It's just like wanting revenge; it's a short-lived satisfaction that will only make it harder for you to overcome your issues. Don't be your own worst enemy. I know it's hard to have the patience that is required to make improvements, but the payoff is worth it. The key is to try to have some small wins along the way so that you feel like you're making progress. One small win you can have is becoming less angry and enjoying the peace that comes with that.
Others might express anger in the form of suppression. This would be when you keep it all inside and brood over it. This can be really unhealthy because it can lead to depression or even physical illness. We're always going to be faced with situations that make us angry so it's about learning the difference between a threatening situation and a non-threatening situation. It's also about controlling how we respond once we determine which type of situation we're facing.
Anger and Trauma
If you were bullied, then you've no doubt experienced anger from it. It could either have been during the time of the bullying or later in life as a byproduct of what happened. Chances are that unless you've confronted your feelings and dealt with them, the way you react to threatening situations today is influenced by what happened to you in the past.
I know about this all too well. I was so angry from being bullied that I didn't even know just how deep the anger ran. I suppressed most of it at first, which did not make me feel good at all. But then, over time it eventually started to make its way out and it wasn't pretty. I definitely didn't have control over it and I would overreact all the time. I took everything personally and wanted to get back at anyone who I thought had wronged me in the slightest. Once I started driving, I had some serious road rage issues. I started cursing a lot. I would slam doors or throw things in an attempt to release the anger. Overall, I was in pretty bad shape. I couldn't understand why I was reacting these ways or what to do about it. Thanks to therapy and just working on unresolved issues on my own, I was able to control the anger and now I experience a lot of peace within myself.
As mentioned above, anger is a normal reaction to feeling wronged, and being bullied is certainly a wrong done to us. I was one of those people who got annoyed by every little thing but I wasn't really angry at all the people I was taking it out on. I was angry at the people who bullied me and I was transferring that anger onto whoever was there to receive it because I wanted someone to pay for wronging me. I didn't understand the difference between a normal situation and a threatening situation. Everything was threatening to me. When you've been wronged you can become trapped in a reactive state like this and it can be a sign of post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD can occur when we experience a traumatic event that compromises our well-being and creates an intense fear response.
Being bullied as a child can interrupt our emotional development. We can suffer this intense fear response to the point of it becoming the norm. As a result we might feel like we don't have control. This then gets displayed in the form of anger. Some people blame themselves for the bullying, and as a result they may internalize their anger and shut down emotionally. Some people may also blame their parents for what happened. Regardless, anger that stems from trauma can be a major problem that can lead to many other major problems. It becomes important to deal with the anger so that you can learn how to respond with the right emotions.
Dealing with Anger
Harboring anger all of the time can make us sick. If you remember the fight-or-flight response that I mentioned above, you can probably imagine how experiencing those physiological reactions all of the time can be bad for you. Research has linked chronic anger to the development of depression and anxiety, sleep problems, high blood pressure, and heart disease. Needless to say, it is important that we take care of ourselves now so that we don't suffer later. Let's look at some strategies for coping with and better managing anger.
Accept responsibility. Here's the thing - we are responsible for our own feelings. Yes, they may be caused by someone else who did something to us that we didn't have control over, but ultimately we are responsible for the way we react and the way we process our feelings. It is up to us to recognize how we feel and why we feel that way so that we can properly manage those feelings. When we feel angry we are placing the blame on someone else rather than dealing with it ourselves.
Change perceptions. Similar to accepting responsibility, if we can change our perception of a situation which makes us angry then we are more likely to feel less angry. Road rage is a good example of this. For instance, if we get angry when another driver cuts us off, then we're allowing ourselves to get angry at someone we don't even know. It's silly because that other driver isn't trying to wrong you, they're just expressing their own issues while they happen to be driving and you happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. It's all about them and not you. Instead of getting angry, you should just tell yourself that the other driver is having a bad day and not trying to wrong you. It's not personal.
Replace anger with assertiveness. Being assertive is about being in control and standing up for yourself without being aggressive. If you can be more assertive then you can eliminate the anger that you experience from feeling like you don't have control over a situation. It's definitely a much better way to deal with others.
Redirect to something positive. Sometimes you can get so angry that you might want to cause damage to something or cause harm to someone. We all know that acting on that won't solve the problem. Sometimes the best thing you can do when you're angry is to redirect that anger. If someone has made you feel bad about yourself by telling you that you're not good enough or that you can't do something, then prove them wrong! Instead of being angry and wanting revenge, focus on you. Turn it into a positive.
Count to 10...or 100. Thomas Jefferson said "When angry, count to 10 before you speak. If very angry, a hundred." The idea is that doing this will distract you and you'll calm down a bit, which in turn may change your mind about how you want to respond.
Those are some strategies you can try on your own when you're feeling angry. Of course, you should also seek professional advice if you need someone to help you. Whatever you do, make sure that you deal with your feelings of anger or else they will deal with you. It's hard to move on and heal when you harbor anger. Actually, I think it's impossible. Remember, anger isn't a bad thing, but you have to be in control of it.
Please leave a comment and let me know if you have any stories or questions.
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