How Government works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrapyard in the middle of a desert. The Government said, "Someone may steal from the scrapyard at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then the Government said, "How can the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a Planning Department and hired two people; one person to write the job description and one person to do time studies. Then the Government said, "How will we know the night watchman is performing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people; one to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then the Government said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a Time Keeper, and a Payroll Officer; hiring two more people. Then the Government said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an Administrative Section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, an Assistant Administrative Officer and a Legal Secretary. Then the Government said, "We have had this organization in operation for only one year and we are $18,000 over budget; we must cut back our overall costs. . . . . So they laid off the night watchman!
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet he told you I was speeding, too.
A man's wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy...." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
Jokes against men
Q: Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?
A: Because men refuse to ask for directions!
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A; Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Q: What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging.
Q: How do you get a man to do sit ups?
A: Put the remote control between his feet.
Jokes against Women
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
Q: Why are brides always dressed in white?
A: To go with the kitchen appliances.
Q: What's the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Forget it, just once.
Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: An expensive way to get laundry done free.
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: That's not the point. What's she doing out of the kitchen?
Q: How many divorced women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - one to change the bulb and three to form a support group.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.