Anger and parents: what you need to know
Anger is a natural human emotion.
Sometimes anger can be a good thing. For example, anger might give you energy to get something done or to stand up for what you believe in.
Feeling angry and managing your anger in positive and healthy ways can also give you the chance to set a good example for your children. For example, when you take a few deep breaths or walk away rather than exploding, you show your children how to behave.
But anger can be negative, especially if it happens a lot or it gets out of control. Losing your temper when you’re angry can make problems worse and lead to conflict with others. When you don’t give yourself time to calm down, you might say or do unhelpful or hurtful things.
Also, children need to feel safe and secure to grow and develop, so being around a lot of conflict and yelling isn’t good for them.
Why parents feel angry sometimes
Raising children is a big and important job. It often involves balancing many different demands including work, family time, household chores, children’s activities and social activities. When you’re in this situation, it’s easy to lose patience and feel angry when things don’t go to plan.
Sometimes you might feel angry or frustrated with your partner, if you have one, when you don’t agree on decisions about raising children, discipline and household chores. These sorts of disagreements can lead to conflict, especially if you’re feeling undermined or unsupported.
Sometimes your child’s anger or frustration can make you feel angry. For example, if your child is angry and speaks rudely to you or won’t do as you ask, you might feel yourself getting angry too. You might find yourself attacking back in the moment and regretting it later.
And there are other factors that can make you more likely to feel angry – like illness, stress at work, financial difficulties, lack of sleep and not enough time for yourself.
It might help you to know that many parents have navigated challenges like these with the help of family, friends and health professionals.
If you’re finding it hard to control yourself when you’re angry, talking to a health professional can really help. You could start by seeing your GP, who can help you make an anger management plan. If you’re so angry that you feel you might hurt your child or your partner, leave the room and seek help immediately. Call Lifeline on 131 114, the National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service on 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732), MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978, or a parenting helpline.
Recognising signs of anger
Your body gives you early signs of anger. When you can recognise these signs, you can also take steps to stop your anger getting out of control.
Early signs of anger include:
- faster heart rate
- churning stomach
- agitation – that is, feeling tense or cranky
- faster breathing
- facial flushing
- tensing shoulders
- clenching jaw and hands
Negative thinking is very common when you’re angry, and it can make your anger worse.
For example, you might have had a hard day at work and feel stressed. When you pick your children up from school, they start arguing in the back seat, which makes you feel frustrated and stressed. Once you get home, they refuse to take out their lunch boxes and put their bags away so you feel angry as well as frustrated.
Here are some negative thoughts that you might have in this situation:
- ‘No-one ever helps me – I have to do everything myself.’
- ‘You children are so naughty.’
- ‘If you behaved better, I wouldn’t feel so angry.’
- ‘Why do you want to upset me?’
If you notice thoughts like these, it’s a sign that you need to stop and do something to calm down before you lose your temper and explode with anger.
Never shake a baby. Newborns and babies have very weak neck muscles to support their large, heavy heads. Shaking a baby – or hitting, kicking or throwing a baby – can result in death, disability or serious injury.
Simple anger management ideas
Step 1: identify your anger
The first step to managing your anger is to notice the early signs. It’s really important to know and say that you’re angry, even if it’s just to yourself. For example, ‘This is making me angry’ or ‘I can feel myself getting angry here’.
Step 2: try to calm down
Once you notice the early signs of anger, you can do a few things to start calming down.
Here are some ways to calm yourself in the moment, especially if you can’t step away your child:
- Try to slow your breathing. Breathe in for two seconds and breathe out for four seconds. Do this a few times until your heart rate slows down.
- If your child is being very loud, try blocking your ears or putting on noise-cancelling headphones for a moment. Then take a few deep, slow breaths.
If you can take time away from your child, here are some ideas to try:
- Do something that soothes you, like listening to some music, flicking through a magazine or just looking out the window.
- Go outside for a run or walk.
- Take a warm shower.
- Talk to a friend about how you’re feeling.
Make sure your child is in a safe place before taking time away. You might be able to ask someone to watch your child while you go somewhere quiet for a few minutes.
Signs that you’re calming down include your heart rate slowing down and your muscles relaxing.
Step 3: reflect on the situation
If you feel you’ve calmed down, it might be good to reflect on what has just happened. This can help you learn from the experience and handle similar situations better in the future. Ask yourself:
- ‘How important is this? Why was I so upset about it?’
- ‘How do I want to sort out this situation?’
- ‘Do I need to do something about this, or can I just let it go?’
It’s a great idea to tell your children or your partner how you’re feeling and what you’re doing about it. It shows them a better way to manage their anger too. For example, ‘I’m feeling angry. I need to go outside for a minute to calm down before we talk about this’.
Setting a good anger management example for children
It’s OK to feel angry – it’s just not OK to yell or hurt someone.
If you say sorry for getting angry, it sends the message that anger isn’t OK. So it’s better to say sorry for yelling or losing your temper. This sends the message to your children that it’s OK to feel angry sometimes but it’s more important to find healthy ways of handling anger.
What to do when you don’t manage anger well
There’ll always be times when you don’t manage anger well and you yell or say things you regret.
When this happens, it’s a good idea to take a moment to work out what to say to your children or your partner. Here are some ideas:
- ‘I’m sorry for losing my temper. Next time I’ll take myself away to calm down earlier.’
- ‘I’m sorry I yelled. Can we talk about what just happened?’
- ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, even though I was angry. I should have walked away and calmed down before we talked about it.’
Looking after yourself can help you feel calmer and better able to solve problems with your children as well as your partner, family and friends.