We've previously discussed how some of history's most famous geniuses would've rather been busy bumping nasties than changing the world. As it turns out, that's a fairly common problem among artists, statesmen, and spiritual leaders. None of what you're about to read necessarily detracts from any of the great things they accomplished -- we're not saying that. We're just saying that behind closed doors, they liked to get freaky.
#6. Gandhi Slept in a Pile of Naked Women (Including His Niece)
Gandhi is arguably the most famous spiritual leader in modern history and was responsible for the civil rights movement that eventually broke British imperial rule over India. He was known for peaceful acts of non-cooperation, including hunger strikes, boycotts, and a 241-mile march to the sea to gather salt, an act prohibited by a bizarrely specific edict of British law.
Gandhi was revered as a holy man until he was assassinated by a religious fanatic, which sadly is what tends to happen to people like him. History repaid Gandhi for decades of self-sacrifice in the name of his fellow man by making a movie about his life starring the bad guy from Species.
Vince Bucci/Getty Images Entertainment
Here he is, posing in front of a statue of himself.
But Behind Closed Doors ...
Via Wikimedia Commons
Yeah, we know, buddy. You don't even have to do the look.
He claimed that this was merely an extension of his vow, intended to test his pious restraint (a phrase a cynical person could take to mean "to inflate his boner tube"). According to the strict rules of Gandhi's ashram, these women weren't even allowed to sleep with their own husbands, yet they were all but required to participate in the Mahatma's creepy old man slumber parties, which included not only sleeping nude with Gandhi, but also bathing with him and giving him stripteases, because the path to a temptation-free existence is apparently paved with nipple tassels.
That's not even the shadiest part. Gandhi took his 18-year-old grandniece on a trip with him to Bengal and commanded her to share the nudity bunk with him for their entire stay, a move he rationalized by telling her that they might be killed at any moment by angry Muslims. That's right -- Gandhi told his barely legal niece to take off all of her clothes and climb into bed with her equally naked great uncle because the two of them might suddenly be murdered.
"Understand? Great, now go strip down and meet me in the hot tub."
We're not even saying he was secretly slipping these girls the G-bone every night -- we have no knowledge of that. We're saying that commanding everyone to sleep in a nude Gandhi pile, purely for the purpose of not engaging in sex, is somehow way freakier.
#5. Benjamin Franklin Liked to Bang Lots of Old Women
In addition to being one of the Founding Fathers of the United States of America, Benjamin Franklin was a prolific inventor and a tireless innovator, responsible for bifocal spectacles and odometers, the flexible urinary catheter, and a dominating presence in rap lyrics. He was an early adopter of environmental awareness, formed libraries and founded hospitals, organized the first fire service, and pushed for anti-slavery legislation before his death in 1790 of an acute overdose of righteous awesomeness.
But Behind Closed Doors ...
Benjamin Franklin was an avid poonhound specializing in dusty cooz. That is to say, he prided himself on keeping the oldest and most busted mistresses he could find, for a list of reasons that prove he was just as much an innovator of morning-show-DJ chauvinism as anything else.
"Welcome back to Crazy Ben's Morning Zoo! Who's ready for LESBIAAAAAAANS?!"
In a 1745 letter to a younger acquaintance, Ben Franklin advised that elderly concubines were the best choice because they were so deflated by age that they would do anything to keep a man interested in them. Rickety old women, he continued, are also by nature more discreet, more experienced, and less likely to become pregnant, which would spare you from any of that ridiculous "children" bullshit. You're less likely to feel bad about having sex with them, because throwing one into a raisin-skinned bone sack is much less sinful than deflowering some pretty young lady who made the foolish mistake of trusting you.
Granted, he had his more polite, old-timey way of putting it:
"... I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones ... Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience ... Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion ... and lastly they are so grateful."
And so on. Yeah, you don't exactly have to read between the lines there.
"You would see, the biggest dick would be from me, and the card attached would say, 'Thank you for meating, my friend.'"
He also makes the salient point that being vain in your selection of a mistress is pointless, because all women look the same from the waist down, which is the only part of them that matters anyway:
"Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one."
"Goddammit, Jim, no means no!"
That's right; all women look the same if you cover everything above the vagina "with a basket." Thanks, Ben!
#4. Winston Churchill Liked to Be Naked
Sir Winston Churchill was Britain's prime minister and first lord of the admiralty during World War II. He was a celebrated wit and a Nobel Prize winner, and is arguably one of the most famous national leaders in history. He also enjoyed a steady diet of alcohol and cigars, and walked around dressed like a Dickensian moneylender.
"You will have me paid back by Tuesday, or I shall confiscate your child, crutches and all."
But Behind Closed Doors ...
Churchill liked to parade around naked, ambushing unsuspecting staffers and foreign dignitaries alike with his gin-blossomed twig and berries.
Apparently, anyone who had an appointment with Churchill ran the risk of walking in on him striding around his office in his pasty undulating birthday suit, conducting the business of the nation with his grundlebrush ruffling gently in the breeze.
A rare photo of him (left) engaging in a friendly contest of "Shout Obscenities at Eisenhower's Crotch."
His naked shenanigans weren't limited to just his personal staff, either -- both Franklin D. Roosevelt and his son Elliot were exposed to mini-Winnie. FDR stumbled upon a nude Churchill, only to have the prime minister remark, "You see, Mr. President, I have nothing to hide." Meanwhile, Elliot, responding to Churchill's specific request to meet with him, opened the door to Churchill's office to find him standing completely naked with a cigar in his mouth, dictating a letter to his male secretary.
When Sir Winston visited the White House later that same year, he made a habit of wearing absolutely nothing while in his room, seemingly oblivious to the near-constant stream of attendants that came in to serve him brandy while desperately trying to avoid eye contact.
"Take off the hat? Oh, man, I thought you'd never ask -- wait, where are you going?"