What causes some kids to be hurtful, and how to turn them around
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What makes a child bully? Could my child possibly be bullying others?
These are tough questions for a parent to ask, but not asking can lead to tragedy.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ website stopbullying.gov says 28 percent of students in grades 6 to 12 have experienced bullying, and 30 percent of American students have admitted to bullying others.
We’re all familiar with some of the effects of bullying on the child who is targeted — problems such as increased despair, depression, isolation, anxiety and even suicide. However, children who bully face negative impacts too, including an increased risk of alcohol and drug abuse, early sexual activity, incarceration and being abusive toward their romantic partners, spouses or children as adults.
We consulted with four Rochester professionals well-versed on the topic of bullying to explain what makes a child bully, along with ways parents can help address the behavior when or before it starts.
What makes a child bully?
When Samantha Golden has a student who calls himself “a bully,” she’s quick to erase that label.
“I’ll say, ‘No, you’re not a bully, you’re Johnny,’ ” said Golden, a New York state licensed mental health counselor with provisional certification. “Just because a student is acting one way doesn’t mean their behavior is indicative of the heart of that student.”
Golden works in five school districts in Monroe and Genesee counties as a school counselor with Liberty Partnerships Program — an academic and personal support services program, funded by the New York State Education Department, for at-risk youth in grades 7 through 12.
Some of her students have been bullied or are at risk for being bullied or using bullying behavior.
“Oftentimes, bullies are very isolated,” said Golden, identifying one of the big triggers she has seen for bullying behavior. “These kids have a lot internally they stuff down inside, and then it comes out in their behavior.”
Another shared trait Golden has seen among students who bully is that their first experience with bullying was actually as a victim.
“The kid that has been bullied for a long time can turn into a bully,” Golden said. “That shift is something they do because it gets them out of victim mode.”
Not all kids who bully fit a mold, though.
In fact, Brenda McQuillan, an assistant professor of social work at Roberts Wesleyan College who has dedicated much of her career to studying and preventing bullying, says there’s a wide range among bullying behavior. But “one common denominator among those that bully is that they have increased power over their peers.”
This increased power can come in many forms, including economic background, athletic skills, physical size or popularity with adults.
“Normal, typical peer-to-peer conflict has an equal playing field, but in bullying there is a power differential,” McQuillan said.
Is cyberbullying different?
McQuillan’s doctoral dissertation at the University of Rochester examined cyberbullying in middle schools throughout the Rochester region.
What she found is that cyberbullying is much like face-to-face bullying — just on a digital “playground” instead of a concrete one.
“When social media first came about, there was an assumption that cyberbullying was anonymous and kids didn’t know the people bullying them,” McQuillan said. “But we now know that kids are being bullied online and by text by kids they know and often consider ‘friends.’ ”
McQuillan found overlap between cyberbullying and face-to-face bullying. They are not mutually exclusive — if a child is involved in one type, they are usually involved in another. She also found an uptick in cyberbullying during the middle school years, partly due to immaturity and impulsive behavior.
“Nine times out of 10, when I sat down with middle schoolers who used cyberbullying behavior and I presented them with what they said, they felt badly,” McQuillan said. “My biggest advice for kids at that age is to imagine everything they text and say on a billboard in town. If they wouldn’t want their teacher or baby cousin to see it on the billboard, they shouldn’t post or text it.”
Oftentimes, McQuillan finds that parents are the last to know when their children are engaging in any type of bullying. Their first reaction, when confronted, is denial.
“The word ‘bully’ has such a negative connotation and once a child is labeled ‘a bully,’ it’s very hard to get rid of that label,” said McQuillan, about why parents often respond defensively when confronted about their child’s bullying behavior. Rather than using labels, McQuillan suggests parents be told their child might be engaging in hurtful or inappropriate behavior. That explanation, rather than using a loaded word like ‘bully,’ might “bring about a better response from the parent.”
To combat bullying, McQuillan suggests that youths interact with others who are different, and that people find opportunities for people who bully to volunteer with younger children.
“Children who bully have leadership skills,” McQuillan said. “Why not turn them around and utilize them in a positive way that will help their peers?”
Nipping it in the bud
Bullying is a topic Jennifer Brush, a third-grade teacher in the Churchville-Chili Central School District, is passionate about.
As a mother of two teenagers, she has seen bullying first-hand and strives to prevent it in her classroom.
“We talk about bullying regularly and right from the start,” Brush said. “We really reinforce the fact that if someone is bothering you, you have to tell. And we also talk about how if you see bullying and don’t do anything about it, it’s just as bad as being the bully yourself.”
This is a critical, early intervention against bullying, McQuillan said. “Intervention with bystanders can often make the greatest impact with bullying.”
Brush also uses gentle reminders, character education and books to help spread the message that bullying is wrong. Typically, with younger children, these tactics work, but sometimes she needs to involve parents. When she needs to make a phone call home, she does so with the child so they learn responsibility for their actions.
She finds that most bullying-type behaviors in early elementary school are not necessarily intentional but are about a lack of awareness.
“Sometimes I have to pull a child aside privately to tell them what they’re saying or doing is hurtful or to tell them that when people tell them to stop doing something and they don’t, it’s a form of bullying,” Brush said. “They see things on TV or on social media with adults and think it’s OK.”
Books that Brush recommends parents read with their children to combat bullying include: Chrysanthemum by Kevin Henkes; Enemy Pie by Derek Munson; Each Kindess by Jacqueline Woodson; Bully by Patricia Polacco; Odd Velvet by Mary Whitcomb; and The Hundred Dresses by Eleanor Estes.
Can kids who bully change?
Anthony Cook III, superintendent of Catholic Schools at the Roman Catholic Diocese of Rochester, believes that children exhibiting bullying behavior can change.
“Bullying is not a person; bullying is choices,” said Cook, paraphrasing Dan Olweus, a Norwegian-Swedish psychologist who created the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program. “Therefore, our teachers and principals focus on bullying as a behavior and not a particular student.”
Cook first learned about the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program at the Aquinas Institute of Rochester, where he was a teacher and dean of students.
He implemented the program in all 18 of the diocesan schools in 2013, in part because of how it looks at bullying not just as an issue at school, but across environments.
“A family is the most critical part of a child’s life,” Cook said. “To mitigate bullying behaviors in school and at home, parents/guardians can provide a warm and nurturing home environment. A child’s home should be safe and provide age-appropriate structure, and children should have the opportunity to make mistakes that are typical of ‘growing pains.’ ”
Like Cook, every professional interviewed for this article believes that children who bully can, with the right intervention, improve their behavior.
“I believe every child has redeeming characteristics and the ability to change,” Golden said. “It’s important for adults to be accessible and make connections with kids who bully or are at risk of bullying behavior. These kids need caring, confident adults in their lives.”