Sorry seems to be the hardest word because many people are unable to say that one little word. It should trip off the tongue the way “hello” does. But often, it doesn’t.
In fact, you probably know a person who never seems to apologize for any mistake and if they do, it’s with such agony and turmoil, you would think they were ripping their own tongue out.
Fathers can do something to change that by teaching their children early to say sorry and mean it when they offend or hurt others.
Learning that mistakes are inevitable and that our significance as a person is not based solely on our behaviour is a great kick-off to an important conversation about apology.
Here’s what fathers should bear in mind when teaching their children how to say they are sorry and mean it.
Start early but not too early. Before you teach a child to apologize, you need to be sure they are able to understand the perspectives of others. By age 3 or 4, children can acknowledge others’ ideas.
By age 5, children have the ability to imagine and anticipate consequences and the capacity to understand the purpose and need for saying sorry when their behaviour results in rule-breaking or hurting others.
Modeling is key when it comes to teaching children how to apologize. Children learn from their environment what a healthy relationship is, and their parents are their main teachers. Fathers should lead by example and apologize when they offend or hurt other people so that their children can learn from them.
A hollow apology is no better than the complete absence of an apology. The most important thing to get across is sincerity. Modeling a sincere apology to your child when necessary will help them in their ability to apologize to the people in their world too.
When apologizing to your child, identify what you are sorry for and why you are sorry for it. Something like, “I’m sorry for yelling at you yesterday. I know when I yell, it makes you feel sad. I don’t like yelling at you because I love you.”
Then chat with your kid about it if there’s more to chat about, and feel free to circle back to the thing that was upsetting in the first place (e.g., chores, sibling rivalry, etc.) to try to solve the problem.
To help your child understand the difference between a sincere apology and a forced apology, frame the situation as if they were in the shoes of the person who was offended by their action.
Identifying the cause as well as chatting about appropriate social graces will teach the child how to have and maintain rich, meaningful relationships with the people who are special to them.
Forcing a child to apologize when they don’t empathize teaches the wrong lesson: it says that apologies have no meaning. Empathy is dismissed when apologies have no value.
When the words ‘I’m sorry’ are said without authenticity, responsibility for the hurtful action is evaded. Delivering a meaningless apology undermines respect for the other person. Let your child know this and learn to apologize genuinely.