Online Relationships and Safety
The internet connects billions of people around the world, providing information and opportunities to bond with others around shared interests. Just as in your school, place of worship, or with any group of people, the internet connects many different kinds of people. For example, there are online communities of teens and adults on the autism spectrum and also communities of people with other conditions that you may identify with, such as attention issues, sensory sensitivities, or anxiety. The internet can be a wonderful way to read how other people overcome challenges and to share your own experiences with others, if you choose. The internet can also be a rewarding way to develop meaningful relationships.
In this section, you will learn:
There are many specific technical words used to describe internet use and safety. We define many of them below. Throughout this section they will be in bold, so you can refer back to this page if needed.
Cyberharassment: Harassing people online in order to provoke them, scare them, humiliate them, threaten them, or otherwise make them feel bad. May vary in level of severity and intentions. It’s possible to harass someone either by accident or intentionally. For example, an impatient person might unintentionally harass a romantic interest with a string of messages if not receiving a response (“Why aren’t you responding? Hello? Are you there? Please respond to me”). Someone else might intentionally try to harm a person’s reputation or emotional state by, for example, sharing photos of the person almost or fully naked on social media, or sending undesired, sexually explicit photos to the person.
Cyberbullying: Bullying includes saying or writing mean things, hurting someone’s reputation or relationships, or physically hurting someone. Cyberbullying is bullying that happens on social media, internet forums, messaging services, or by phone, tablet, or gaming platform. Cyberbullying may include threats, harassment, or repeated contact after being told to stop talking to someone, hacking into social media accounts, impersonating someone, posting or sending personal information or photos of another person without permission, or excluding someone from online activities.
Cyberstalking: A serious form of cyberharassment that occurs when someone (whether an anonymous stranger or someone familiar) persistently monitors or follows a person with bad intent. Cyberstalkers may seriously harm you online or in person if they are able to find information about your location or day-to-day life. (For example, a 50-year-old man becomes angry because a woman rejected his romantic and sexual advances online. He finds out where the woman goes to school and begins following and harassing her before eventually being arrested.)
Digital footprint: A trail of data or information that you create while using the internet, often without knowing it. This includes the websites you visit, emails you send, information you give to online services (shopping websites, political action groups, etc.), and posts or comments that you make on websites.
Doxing: Looking for and posting private or identifying information about someone on the internet, usually with negative intent or motivation.
Identity theft: Fraud using someone else’s private information, usually for financial gain.
Online dating: Searching for a romantic or sexual partner on the internet or through cell phone or tablet apps, often through one or more dedicated dating websites (Tinder, Match.com, etc.).
Personal information: Any information that could be used to identify you, find more information about you, or steal your identity. Your full name, address, phone number, email address, schools you have attended, passwords, and social security number or credit card numbers are personal information. Pictures often also contain personal information, like addresses, and some people can use a picture to locate you.
Sexting: Sending or receiving sexual photos or messages by mobile phone. Sexual photos can include nudity (breasts, buttocks, genitals, etc.), but may also include clothed but sexually suggestive photos.
Sexually explicit material/pornography: Sexually explicit materials (SEM) range from written stories that describe sexual activities, to cartoons or animé with sexual elements, to photos or videos depicting real people engaged in sexual activities. Pornography usually refers to photos or videos showing sexual activities.
Social media: Websites and applications (apps) that let users create and share content and link up or connect with other people online (for example, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter, WhatsApp, Wikia, Snapchat, and YouTube).
Troll: A person who posts deliberately offensive or provocative messages online with the intent of provoking others. Posts by trolls are usually unwanted by others.
The world is full of people from many different backgrounds and cultures. The internet can be a great place to overcome physical barriers and meet these people to learn new ideas and ways of doing things, or to share similar interests and experiences. In this section, you will learn how to safely interact with others online and form meaningful and positive relationships.
People online can be very nice and genuinely interested in bonding with others. Many develop friendships or romantic relationships online. At first, it’s common practice to use aliases or screennames that don’t contain personally identifying information. Once you meet someone online that you want to share your real name or other information with, consider talking to a parent or other trusted person first. You can discuss why you feel you can trust this person, and together with your parent or friend decide whether it is safe to reveal your name or other information. Some people choose to video call people they meet online (for example, to make sure their age and gender match what they have said). If someone tries to get you to tell them personal information before you are ready to trust them (such as your home or work address, or full name), they’re not being a good friend.
It’s important to be aware that people online can be anonymous. Sometimes, people give false information about themselves, their identity, experiences, and intentions for a variety of reasons. For example:
When you first meet people online, be mindful of their intentions and don’t give away personal information, even if they seem like they could be trustworthy friends. This is particularly true if you’re open about having autism, as doing so may attract people who want to cyberbully or take advantage of you (remember, it is always your decision to disclose that you have autism). If you’re having a discussion with someone and it starts to get uncomfortable, it’s best to leave the situation.
If the situation escalates and someone seriously threatens to stalk or harm you in some way:
As soon as you’re able to stop worrying about them, you can continue to spend your time hanging out with people who make you feel positive! As with offline relationships, the benefit of making online connections – whether they are friendly, romantic, or sexual in nature – often outweighs the risk of getting hurt. Don’t let one bad experience with one person keep you from trying in the future!
Meet Steven, a 22-year-old with autism. Steven met Hannah online and got to know her for a few weeks. Although she initially said that she was 17 years old, she later revealed that she was only 14. The problem is that Steven lives in Nevada, where the age of sexual consent is 16. By this time, Steven had developed feelings for Hannah. Steven was conflicted, but eventually decided to continue talking with her about meeting up and having sex.
Unfortunately for Steven, Hannah was an undercover police officer, and he was arrested for having sexual conversations with her. If you learn that someone is under the age of sexual consent in your state (that is often based on your age and how many years younger the other person is than you), stop talking to them.
Many people make online friends, whether it’s through video games, forums, or social media websites.
Many people who are committed to developing and maintaining friendships online sometimes find that their relationships grow into in-person friendships or even romantic relationships.
Many people (on and off the autism spectrum) find it easier to meet friends or dating partners online than in person. Nowadays, it’s not uncommon for people to online date. Many romantic relationships begin online, if not naturally through shared interests, then often through dating apps or websites. Examples include OKCupid, Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, and eHarmony. People who’re interested in finding partners create profiles about themselves, usually with pictures. Some people may be looking for one-time sexual partners, while others are looking for long-term, committed relationships. Many people will indicate who they are looking for in their profiles. Some websites are targeted for specific groups, such as Christian Mingle for Christians, Spectrum Singles for people on the autism spectrum, Sea Captain Dating for people interested in dating a sea captain, or Grindr for gay men.
Some online dating websites offer limited information such as a profile picture, name, age, and what the person is looking for (dates, friendship, hookups, etc.). Often these sites ask you to decide if you are interested in learning more about the person or messaging the person based on this limited information. If both you and the other person say you are interested, the site will allow you to access the other person’s full profile and message them.
Other dating websites allow you to see the other person’s full profile, which may include their likes, dislikes, occupation, and more. These types of sites often rely on a matching system and ask you to take personality quizzes or to rank your likes and dislikes so they can offer you profiles of people who are similar to you.
If you match with someone on a dating website, then you know they’re interested in dating or discussing the possibility of dating you. The next step is to talk to them through messaging services on the website.
Tips for messaging:
As you meet new people on the internet, some of them may ask you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable. For example, some people enjoy talking explicitly about sex, while others don’t. You never have to talk about sex with someone if you don’t want to or if it makes you uncomfortable. Similarly, you never have to feel pressured to send someone a picture, text a message, or do anything else (such as a video chat) that makes you uncomfortable. If someone tries to get you to do something that you don’t want to after you told them “no,” that’s a red flag that they can’t be trusted to honor your wishes or respect you in the future.
What to do if someone asks you to talk about or do something that you don’t want to do:
Step 1: Tell them “no.” You don’t have to explain why. You can simply say, “No thank you. I’m not interested in that.” Or “No, I don’t want to.”
Step 2: Leave the website or chat room.
Step 3: If it is a website you often visit and the same person keeps bothering you, block and report the person to the website. Most websites have a feature that allows you to report people who are being abusive or bothering you.
Step 4: If you are upset and want support, talk to someone you trust about the situation. They can help you understand what happened and hopefully avoid other negative interactions in the future.
Treat others the way you would like to be treated. If you want to talk about sex with someone, ask them first. If they say “no,” respect their wishes. Remember, some people may have had negative or traumatic experiences around sexuality in the past, and it may be painful for them to talk about sex. Other people just don’t like talking about sex, and that’s perfectly okay!
Meeting people online sometimes leads to meeting them in person. There are many precautions you can take when meeting someone for the first time.
People will sometimes talk to you online and then decide later that they don’t want to meet or continue talking to you. This happens to everyone who does online dating. It doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong or that you are not a likable and desirable person! There are many reasons why someone may decide to stop talking to you – they could be anxious, overwhelmed with obligations, or might have started dating someone and decided to stop looking for new partners.
You may feel really sad or frustrated if someone stops talking to you suddenly; these are normal feelings that happen to everyone. Keep in mind that there are plenty of other people online to talk to.
Some teens and adults share sexts (sexual texts or photos of themselves) with their partners. Some people find sexting helpful for keeping a sexual connection in long-distance relationships. Others find it fun, sexy, or get a confidence boost from their partners when engaging in sexting. Sending sexual texts and photos should be consensual, meaning that both the sender and the receiver have agreed to the exchange.
For these reasons, it is important to establish a relationship of trust before sharing sexual texts and photos with someone.
Charlotte sent a selfie to her boyfriend of her in just her underwear. Her boyfriend then forwarded to a group of his friends. Someone then posted her picture on an adult website. Charlotte didn’t know that the picture was posted online, she thought it had been kept between her and her boyfriend.
It’s against the law for people under the age of 18 to share nude or sexual photos of themselves. It’s considered a type of child pornography. Police and courts have arrested and prosecuted both the teens who have taken nude photos of themselves and anyone who received the sext.
Remember, the same types of people who you should not have a romantic or sexual relationship with are also people who should not be sexting you. Teachers, bosses, helpers, and family members should never send you or ask you for sexual texts and photos. If they do, it is a form of sexual harassment, and you should seek support. (Information on this can be found in the Healthy Relationships section.)
If someone sends you sexual photos even though you did not ask for or agree to receiving them:
If someone asks you for sexual photos or you want to send sexual photos to someone:
Sexually explicit material includes anything describing or depicting sexuality with the goal of being erotic (arousing) rather than artistic or educational. This may include videos, pictures, or written stories. It may include real people engaged in sexual activity or it may be cartoons or animé with sexual elements. Sexually explicit material is often referred to as pornography or porn.
Many people get very uncomfortable about pornography or sexually explicit material. It is a subject that people often don’t talk about because it is a private and controversial activity. While many people choose not to look at or use sexually explicit material, the reality is that some people do so to help facilitate masturbation, for example. If you choose to use sexually explicit materials, it’s important to keep such materials private. This means:
Note: While sexually explicit material should be kept private in general, you can still ask questions or ask for support if you experience something that makes you uncomfortable. It’s always okay to talk with someone you trust (a family member, a therapist, etc.) if you are confused or uncomfortable.
Adam, an 18-year-old on the autism spectrum, sometimes enjoys looking at sexual photos in his bathroom at home. This is private and okay. However, Adam sometimes saves pornographic photos to his phone as the background picture. When Adam’s family or other people he knew saw these photos, they felt embarrassed and uncomfortable.
It’s natural to be curious about what sexual activities are like. Some people turn to pornography to get a sense of what sex is like. However, it’s very important to understand that sex as it is portrayed in pornography is neither natural nor real and, therefore, can cause confusion and frustration.
Meet Gary, a 24-year-old with autism. One day when Gary was hanging out with his older cousin, Rick, Rick asked what kind of job he wanted. Gary recalls a video he watched online. In it, a pizza delivery man arrives at a woman’s house to deliver food, and then proceeds to engage in sexual activities with her.
Gary responds, “I want to be a pizza delivery man,” and goes on to explain why by describing the porn video. Rick at first laughs, but then stares at Gary uncomfortably when he realizes he is being serious. Gary doesn’t realize what is wrong until his cousin explains to him explicitly that the porn video was fake, and that pizza delivery men don’t actually have sex with strangers in their homes when they delivery food. From then on, Gary assumed that scenarios that occur in porn videos are often fake, and decided he should learn more about sex from other resources.
For example, pornographic videos often feature actors that don’t look like most people (they are younger, more physically fit, and may have bodies enhanced by plastic surgery, like breast implants, etc.). Pornographic videos frequently portray unrealistic ways of initiating sex in unusual situations that would be inappropriate if done in real life.
Sex between two consenting adults should always be healthy, safe, and enjoyable. If you engage in sexual activity with someone, you should always discuss STIs and safe sex first.
Some people say that their partners will try new sexual activities with them without asking first because they saw these activities in pornography. Good partners who care about consent and enjoyment never assume they know what their partner wants. If you would like to try something, it’s very important that you talk with your partner about it first and then decide together how to proceed. If communicating verbally about this is difficult for you, you may try other ways of communicating. For example, some people write a “user manual” for themselves that explains their likes and boundaries in advance. They can then share this “user manual” with partners.
For more information on sexual activities, go to the Sexual Activity section.
Sexually explicit materials involving children or animals are illegal. This includes sexual videos, photos, or stories showing or describing people under the age of 18.
These types of materials are illegal because in many states, it’s illegal for children and teens under the age of 18 to have sex. People may have made these videos or photos against the child or teen’s wishes, and the underage person may have been harmed during the making of these videos.
If you watch or download pornography or other sexually explicit materials that include children, you may be arrested, sent to prison, and added to the sex offender registry, which makes it difficult to find places to live and work. For all of these reasons, it’s important never to use sexually explicit materials involving children or teens under the age of 18.
The internet is a great place to connect with friends, online date, develop relationships, and talk about lots of things. Connecting with people online can be fun, but it is important to keep yourself safe online.
Information found on OAR’s Sex Ed. for Self-Advocates website, related videos, resources, and links are not a substitute for professional medical advice. Users of the site should consult with a physician or other health care provider to discuss specific concerns if they require further information or clarity.