Video Transcript & Notes:
A 5-year-old girl can’t fall asleep and ends up sleeping in her parents’ bed. An 8-year-old boy has trouble with homework and gets frustrated when he doesn’t know the right answers. Are these examples of child anxiety? And are they a problem? Is it something they’ll outgrow, or does the child need extra help to cope? The short answer is – maybe. In this video, I’ll talk about how to recognize when child anxiety has become a problem and the 3 types of childhood anxiety. By the end, you’ll be able to turn that maybe into a yes or no. Or least, “I’m pretty sure” or, “a probably not.”
To better understand when anxiety in children is a problem, or when it becomes a disorder, it’s important to first understand normal anxiety. Anxiety is an emotion. Everyone experiences it. Anxiety is our body’s way of saying, “hey something dangerous is happening! Do something!” Anxiety moves us into action. It keeps us safe from real danger. It’s necessary for survival. So, for example, if you were camping and saw a bear, without much thinking, you would take action to stay safe. Your brain becomes focused on the danger. Your body prepares to protect you. Your heart beats faster to pump blood to your arms and legs, so you can move away. Your digestive system slows, to put energy toward staying safe. Your body automatically recognizes the danger signals and works hard to keep you safe.
So there are certain fears that are common throughout childhood because of development where this anxiety alarm goes off more, even when there’s no actual danger. Kids usually outgrow these fears as they mature and move on to the next developmental stage. So, for babies and toddlers, it’s common to have fears about strangers, separating from caregivers, sudden or loud noises, and new or unpredictable things. For preschoolers and kindergarteners, fears of pretend things like imaginary characters, or monsters, and the dark are common, and sometimes separation fears, especially in new situations or with new people. Elementary and middle schoolers tend to be afraid of more real-life situations such as current events, or performing in front of others, making friends, self-image, and health of themselves and their friends or family. And then, it’s common for teenagers to have more generalized worries about relationships, or rejection, or the future, or morality. These different common worries for each stage really map onto what’s going on in their brain, and their social and emotional development at the time.
So anxiety is really on a spectrum. On one end you have those common fears that pop up during different stages of development or maybe some fears that last for a couple of weeks after something scary happens, like being afraid of a monster after watching a scary movie. In the middle, and I’ll come back to more about this in a minute, you have anxiety that’s starting to be a problem, or is a problem. That’s stuck around for longer, that’s starting to get in the way of a kid’s or family’s life. And on the far end of the anxiety spectrum, at the most severe end, you have anxiety disorders.
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So, anxiety disorders are excessive and extreme anxiety that leaves someone feeling like they cannot cope. Many areas of life are affected, like school, friends, and family life. Anxiety that’s part of a disorder is often out-of-proportion to the situation and causes a lot of distress. Anxiety disorders are also persistent and chronic. In most cases, the level of anxiety has to be going on for at least a month, and it’s not something that gets better with time or development.
There are three common anxiety disorders in children you should know about: separation anxiety, generalized anxiety, and social anxiety. So, separation anxiety is extreme worry when separated from loved ones. Kids with separation anxiety have unrealistic fears about the safety of themselves and their caregivers. They worry something bad will happen that will cause permanent separation like a car accident, kidnapping, or dying. They require a lot of reassurance from parents. They have a hard time being alone, and might cry, cling, or tantrum in anticipation of being away from their parents. Going to school, having playdates or babysitters, or sleeping alone might be really tough for them.
Then there’s social anxiety disorder which is extreme worry in social situations. Kids with social anxiety have intense fears about social and performance situations. So, they worry about what others will think of them, being laughed at, or embarrassed. They might have trouble writing on the board or reading in front of class. They may have trouble asking their teacher questions or asking for help. Reaching out to friends or joining conversations might be tough. Playing sports, going to a dance, or being on stage would probably be difficult because they worry about judgment from other people.
And then there’s generalized anxiety, sometimes called GAD, that’s uncontrollable worry about many situations. It can also be unrealistic fears about many things in the future. Perfectionism and needing approval or reassurance are common with generalized anxiety. And physical symptoms like stomach aches, tight muscles, trouble sleeping, and trouble concentrating can also be part of it.
But back to the middle. When do the common fears turn into something that’s more of a problem? Something that’s not just a phase, but not quite a disorder. It’s when that “hey something dangerous is happening! Do something!” alarm starts to go off more frequently and consistently over a longer period of time. But there’s no real danger. Anxiety might be more of a problem when it has lasted beyond what would be expected during typical development. When it’s a problem, meaning something kids aren’t just going to outgrown on their own, it’ll start to disrupt their daily life or their family’s life. It makes things like going to school or meeting new people harder. It begins to take up more time and space. It becomes harder for parents to manage, and what might typically work to help kids feel better isn’t working anymore. Or parents aren’t sure what to do to help kids through it. It gets in the way of what kids need and want to do, and it interferes in some way with the main responsibilities of being a kid which are to learn, to make friends, and to have fun.
When kids have anxiety and have trouble coping with it, it can cause stress for the whole family. If you want to know some specific, helpful things to say when a child is anxious, be sure to check out this video next. And if you have more questions, check out my Ask an Expert page for in-depth answers to specific anxiety or ADHD questions. Link is in the description. There, you can search and filter by topic or ask something yourself. I’m adding answers all the time. And if you haven’t yet, be sure to tap the like button and subscribe. See you in the next video.