How can we prevent something like this from happening again?
Last week, we told you about the tragic bullycide of Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover. The 11-year-old was taunted mercilessly by bullies, and his mom did everything she could to stop it. But he committed suicide when the teasing became too much to bear.
"Bullycide" is all too common. A study by Yale University finds that bully victims are two to nine times more likely to report having suicidal thoughts than other kids. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people in the United States.
Momlogic asked Ross Ellis, founder and chief executive officer of Love Our Children USA, the national nonprofit leader on child violence prevention, for tips on protecting our children from bullies.
Kindness starts at home: "The reality is, any kid
can become a bully or be victimized themselves, so it's crucial to take
preventative measures now," says Ellis. "Bullying is a learned
behavior. So when kids see you criticize others ("Can you believe what
Jill was wearing?"), they mimic your actions out in the world. What's
more, insecurity usually triggers a bully's behavior. So raising
confident and empathetic children will have a twofold effect: not only
will your kids have positive self-esteem, but they'll be more likely to
stand up for other kids who are being harassed."
Develop a buddy system: "It's a fact that bullies rarely strike groups -- they just don't have the guts," says Ellis. "If your child is being harassed, make sure he or she walks around school with a friend, or is within earshot of a teacher." If someone does start bullying your kid, have them look the bully in the eye and say, "I don't like your teasing. Stop it right now." Then they should walk away and report the incident. If the bully pushes, teach your kid not to hit back. "Bullies want a reaction, so if the victim reciprocates, the problem will worsen," says Ellis.
Take action: "As tempting as it is to sit down with the troublemaker's parents, don't," says Ellis. "Most parents are defensive toward criticism of their child or are in denial there's even a problem." A better idea: go to the school directly, and record every incident of harassment. Then ask your school to develop an anti-bullying program and form a watchdog group with other parents. "The sad truth is most prevention lies with parents, because most schools just don't take bullying seriously enough."
This appears to be the case in this tragic situation, sadly.
How do we teach our kids tolerance of gay or transgendered classmates? We called Cornell University psychologist Ritch C. Savin-Williams, author of The New Gay Teenager, for tips on teaching our own kids tolerance for gay or transgendered kids. "Parents must do everything they can to create a wide spectrum of gender expression," he says.
Here are his top five tips:
- Start early. Even toddlers can learn that gender expression is okay.
- Encourage emotion. Allow your child to cry and express his or her feelings.
- Watch your language. Ban expressions like "boys don't cry" or "girls aren't pushy" from your vocabulary.
- Offer kids a variety of toys. For instance, don't say things like, "You want the truck, right?" to your toddler son. Let him decide -- even if he chooses a doll or princess toy.
- Allow kids to be open and positive about peoples' differences. Even if you aren't tolerant of gay or transgendered people, your children live in a world that's very different than it was even 20 years ago. "Teach your child about the world that will come," Savin-Williams concludes, "not the one you were raised in."