Several recent scientific studies have proclaimed that the genetic mutation responsible for red hair and freckles will die out of the human genome over time.
I found this puzzling because of the very large number of redheads in Columbia, so I looked into the issue further. A brief search of my favorite conspiracy websites confirmed that these “scientific studies” were part of a coordinated effort by a shadowy group — known to some as The Red-Headed League — to hide its existence and the dangerously growing power and influence of redheads in America. In this effort, the Reds had assistance from hair-dye maker, Procter and Gamble, well-known for its “Devil-moon and stars” logo based on Satanic symbols.
As long ago as 1892 Sir Arthur Conan Doyle warned us of the existence of this clandestine criminal group in his thinly-veiled — allegedly fictional — story entitled “The Adventure of the Red-Headed League.” Unfortunately, for the majority of us non-Reds, few noted the true hidden warning in that Sherlock Holmes story.
“Scientists” tell us that red hair supposedly occurs in only 1-2 percent of the world population, but a quick look around Columbia will show you that this estimate is simply a ruse, paid for by the Reds’ secret “science” foundations (the UN’s World Health Organization and The National Science Foundation, among others) to hide their true numbers.
Because of special training and hair-dye treatments designed to “hide in plain sight” we cannot be sure of their true numbers, but they obviously have their people in the highest levels of government and entertainment. I need only mention known redheads such as Robert Redford, Thomas Jefferson, Seth Green or Julianne Moore to prove my point. They also hide in the apparently least likely places. Before he became well known as part of the Black Power movement, Malcolm X was known as “Detroit Red” — and sported—you guessed it— red hair.
Locally it is rumored that Columbia’s Vice Mayor Wayne Kennedy has undergone special hair-removal treatments in an attempt to avoid detection of his naturally red hair. These “people” (and I use the term loosely, because they can scarcely be considered human) are everywhere! They are in our churches, our schools, our parks and playgrounds, our workplaces, social clubs and other gatherings. Look around you and wake up. Instead of dying out, they are attempting to take over and destroy our democracy. And they have many unsuspecting women fortunate enough to be born normal — with blonde, brown or even black hair — wanting to be one of them. TV show Madmen’s Christina Hendricks is their secret weapon in that particular struggle.
But good people, listen! Why do you think the sun burns their skin? It is a message from God that we should resist their evil! I, for one, say better dead than Red! I will not associate with or even speak to these mutant freaks. No, red hair is both unnatural and immoral.
Unfortunately for me, this means I won’t be able to talk with my wife or son … or my dad. But such is the price of freedom!
Greg Hanners works as a continuous improvement consultant and is vice-chair of the Maury County Democratic Party.