We all want our children
to be independent, capable, confident people when they leave our homes. It also
hurts to see our children struggle and suffer and this pain can lead us to
over-do for our children or rescue them from important life experiences and
Whatever your child’s age, put it in the form of
a fraction with 18 as the denominator. In other words, if your child is 10, she
is 10/18 of the way to adulthood. If 14, he or she is even closer —14/18 of the
way to adulthood!
This fraction can be a
helpful reminder that we need to be working toward equipping our children to
leave us and live responsibly and effectively without us.
I often use a weight lifting metaphor when
working with children with anxiety. A child with anxiety needs to develop their
“coping with worries muscles.” It is helpful to compare this to weight lifting
to develop arm muscles.
If the person who wants to
get stronger lifted a pencil for their training session, they would not get
very strong. If they were asked to lift a sofa, they would be discouraged and
overwhelmed with the impossible task.
If they were offered a 5
to 10 pound weight, it would be a little uncomfortable and require some effort,
but it could be done. In fact, if it was done regularly, it would eventually
However, if the person
lifting the 10 pound weight held it in their hand while their parent stood in
front of them and pushed the weight up and down, they would not get stronger at
Which muscles does your child need to develop?
Coping with disappointment, managing homework, solving sibling conflict, and handling
money are all examples of crucial life skills that can only be developed with some
discomfort, disappointment and difficult natural consequences.
If we do the lifting for
our children, they will have it easier in the short term but it will leave them
much weaker and less capable than we want them to be in the long run.
Anxiety is not atypical in
children, and in some cases can be a normal part of their development. But if
the anxiety is interfering with their daily life, it could point to an anxiety
disorder, which affects roughly 1 in 8 children.
If your child is
experiencing significant anxiety, it is important to get him or her help.
Tracy McConaghie, LCSW,
RPT/S, CPDLT, works with clients of all ages, with a specialty in children,
teens and parenting. Her husband Andrew is a couples counselor, and together
they run McConaghie Counseling in Alpharetta. They can be reached at
Visit our website at
to learn more or to schedule an appointment.