Young children love to hoard their treasures. They label their possessions as “mine” as others approach while clutching their belongings tightly and turning away or tantrum when they loose control over a prized toy or Cheerio. This behavior can lead some parents to ask, “Is my child a miser or just down-right selfish?”
The answer is “yes”. Young children are down-right selfish. Their egocentrism is an evolutionary mechanism that has allowed children to survive and thrive throughout the ages so it should be looked at in positive light. Babies come into this world completely helpless and require extraordinary amounts of care and attention to ensure survival. They quickly learn ways that they can care for themselves and their egocentrism is a big part of that process (think screaming to be fed in the middle of the night).
Young children are still developing the ability to take another’s perspective and until they do they understand the world only through their own eyes. If your toddler hides your keys, he will actually believe that you know where they are, because he knows. He will also believe that you are happy when he is happy. Everything and everyone in his world is a reflection of himself, his own desires, feelings and thoughts. This is normal and necessary for a child’s development.
It follows that a child will believe that other people want him to have what he desires, because if he is happy then everyone else is happy too in his mind. Therefore, it is very disconcerting when someone takes his toy. The toy makes the child feel happy, if he does not have the toy then no one is happy. The child will wonder, “Why is this happening?”. Then comes the screaming, hitting and the ever endearing tantrum.
As young children mature, they learn how to understand another’s perspective, but until they do it is very difficult for them to willingly share. Parents, bare in mind that children will make gradual steps towards positive sharing behavior between the ages of 2 to 4 years. By age 5, most children understand perspective and can take turns with toys (not perfectly, but at least they have the tools to make it happen).
How do you foster sharing behavior while your child is developing the ability to share? Psychological Sciences just released a study offering very interesting insights on sharing. The scientists found that when children were allowed the freedom to willingly share something of value that they choose to share more in the future. Children who were forced to share choose to share the least in future scenarios. Also, children who were offered the option of having to share something of value or share something that they did not value and who choose to share the item with less value also shared less in the future.
These results offer the following considerations:
1) Sharing takes practice. Sharing does not come naturally to young children. They literally emerge into this world completely incapable of sharing. Sharing takes time and hard work. The more opportunities to share, the better they will become at doing it well. When your child is hoarding toys, instead of rushing to the scene with embarrassment and rebukes, coach her on perspective taking and empathy.
“Look at your friend. You have 3 toys and she has none. She looks sad. Giving her a toy will make her feel happy. Can you help your friend? Look, she is smiling now. You did it! You shared with your friend and she feels happy.”
The results from the study likely occurred because it takes practice for a child to learn the rewards of prosocial behavior. Young children can only consider their own disappointment in offering a coveted toy until they expand their horizons and learn that there is joy to be found in helping others. The more experience the child has in giving up something of value, and consequently realizing that it isn’t so bad, the more sharing will occur. Ensuring that children have plenty of free-playtime is another fantastic way to promote sharing practice.
2) Do not force your child to share. The most interesting part of the above study was the third group of children who were told that they had to share and had to choose between sharing a valued item and a item without value. This part of the study demonstrated that merely practicing sharing something is not enough to teach a child to share in the future. The child actually has to give up something near and dear to him to learn that sharing is an experience worth repeating. This is likely in part to the explanation above about learning to take perspective, that good feelings flow from prosocial exchanges and that giving up something important to you isn’t as bad as it seems.
Instead of forcing a truck from your tot’s hands, use a similar dialogue as in the section above. Provide plenty of time and space for them to make a decision independently. Take a physical step back from your child so that they don’t feel threatened by your presence (i.e. worried about you taking their toy). If your child still chooses to not share, accept his decision. Tell him that when he is finished with his turn that he can give it to his friend, but he does not have to share until he is ready. Narrate the situation (his friend feels sad because she is ready for a turn, but he is not ready to share). When the toy is finally surrendered or discarded on the floor, ensure the toy is shared with his friend. Comment on how happy the friend is now. Also, comment on others who share. “Look, Jose just shared his train with Mary. Mary looks so excited and Jose feels good because he helped his friend.” finally, modeling sharing items that you value (like your chocolate stash) with your child. Your child will eventually learn the skill if you persist and are patience, it just takes time.
- N. Chernyak, T. Kushnir. Giving Preschoolers Choice Increases Sharing Behavior. Psychological Science, 2013; DOI: 10.1177/0956797613482335 (Quick summary: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/08/130819090220.htm)