"Train up a child.."Prov. 22:6
Part 3:Developing Proper Manners
Someone has said, "Manners are the bridges which men build over the gulfs
which separate them and their castles of self and over which they pass in
their dealings with one another." Basically then the having of good manners
is displaying the proper treatment, mingled with propriety, to one's
fellowman. Better still, it is simply living by the golden rule. One word stressed to our young
people above all other words should be "appropriate." It should be taught that
training our children includes the ability to be appropriate in any given right
situation without embarrassing one's fellowman. Our young people should be taught
to know and exhibit proper behavior whether on the ball field, at a
concert, in church, out fishing, or at home with the family. This page
will deal with the proper development of manners for our children toward
1. Proper manners should be an appropriate outward expression of an inner
feeling of goodwill toward our fellowman. In other words, manners are an
outward expression of an inner feeling. Manners are therefore more than
ritual and form. There should be a friendly and brotherly feeling of
sympathy and helpfulness toward others. Good manners are simply the
expression of this inner condition of the mind. Improper manners are an
expression of an improper frame of mind and attitude toward others. Hence,
the first way to instill good manners in the child is to instill in his
heart a feeling of brotherly kindness and goodwill toward all human beings.
This is brought about by possession of true Bible meekness. The word "meek"
in the Bible implies "equality." A person who possesses true meekness says
not, "I am as good as you are," but rather, "You are as good as I am." This
philosophy should be the foundation of good manners, for when it is
present, manners will take care of themselves.
Courtesy, then, becomes simply the expression of the state of one's mind.
This is not to say we are not to be courteous if we do not have a mind to
do so. We should exhibit courtesy even if it is mere form, but courtesy in
its purest sense is when the proper behavior toward others expresses the
proper attitude toward him. The courteous man says, "You are my equal and I
have a friendly feeling toward you." The discourteous person says, "You are
not my equal and I am not interested in you. I am interested only in
myself." Manners become symbols which indicate without words a friendly
disposition of one's mind toward his fellowman. When he shakes hands his is
using an ancient custom which was brought about by the giving of one's
right hand to another making his hand engaged so he would be unable to
fight. It is the joining of two fighting hands and the voluntary giving of
one's weapon in battle. Hence, it is a symbol which say, "I do not want to
hit you. I do not want to fight you, for I feel friendly toward you."
In the early days when a warrior came to someone with whom he did not want
to fight, he took off his helmet. Hence, we take off our hats today in the
presence of a friend. This is to tell him, "I do not want to war with you
and I feel so confidently that you do not want to war with me that I am
willing to remove that which guards the safety of my head." Again, here is
a symbol of the inner condition of one's heart.
2. Proper manners will create this inner goodwill. It is somewhat like the
hen and the egg. Each reproduces the other. Our goal is for the child to
have the proper feeling toward others so as to generate good manners. On
the other hand, this proper feeling is often created by good manners
themselves. The help produce the feeling for which they are the sing. Put a
sour look on one's face and in turn he will have a sour feeling in his
heart. Consequently, in a sense, each man creates his own atmosphere. A
smile on one's face will soon put a smile in his heart. This is one of the
main reasons why proper dress is important. How we dress and behave can
determine how we feel inwardly. In turn, how we feel inwardly helps us
dress and behave more properly.
3. Proper manners should first be exhibited at home. This, of course, is
because the habits are formed at home. Children should be taught to say
happily, "Good-morning," to those at home, to use the word "please" when
they ask a favor, to be generous with the phrase, "thank you", and to be
unselfish, especially toward their parents. One of the most important
things in rearing a child to have good manners is to teach that child to
prefer his parents. He should always be seeking the comfort and pleasure of
them, seeing to it that Mom and Dad get the most comfortable chairs, their
favorite positions, etc. Many parents think this would be selfishness on
their part, which is not true at all! Their motive for teaching their child
this type of behavior is not so the parent will enjoy life more but so that
the child will exhibit proper manners at home which will later be
transferred to those outside the home. Confuscius said, "Eat at your own
table as you would eat at the table of the king."
Emphasis should be placed on proper manners at the table in the child's
home. He should learn to seat himself properly, sit properly, wait until
his turn to be served, etc. He should be taught the proper way of holding a
fork, the placing of a napkin on his lap, proper chewing of the food, and
other basic manners so often forgotten in our generation. He should not be
allowed to reach across the table. He should refrain from expressions of
dislike for certain foods.
These manners should be practiced. We have learned that character is the
developing of the proper habits. The proper habits can be developed only
through practice. Much practice should be given concerning proper table
manners and home courtesies.
One of the most important things a child should be taught is to be cheerful
at home since cheerfulness and cleanliness are both contagious. We must be
careful to affect others properly with our personalities. A child should be
taught to laugh. (Of course, this should also be done with propriety and
temperance.) Laughter makes one more healthy. It causes the heart to beat
faster and sends the blood bounding through the body. When a person laughs,
respiration is increased, the eye brightens, the chest expands, bad air is
forces out of the lungs, the internal organs are caused to vibrate, etc.
Laughter has a good effect on the liver and gastric juices. In some cases
physicians have prescribed laughter. One doctor even gave a patient this
prescription: "Laughter to be taken five minutes every three hours." A
cheerful spirit at home will help to create a proper state of mind and a
proper state of mind can create proper manners.
4. Being punctual is one of the essentials for good manners, for not being
on time is one of the great injustices that one human being can do to
another. Lack of promptness and punctuality is really stealing. It is
stealing the other person's time. It is also lying, for it is a failure to
Napoleon was always ahead of time. He said, "Every moment lost is an
opportunity for misfortune." Lord Nelson, the English admiral, said that
his success was largely attributed to the fact that he was always on time.
He said he gave himself a quarter of an hour extra time. This allowed for
Matthew's said that men who are habitually behind time are habitually
behind success. Napoleon said he beat the Austrians because they did not
know the value of five minutes.
A man once spent some time in Benjamin Franklin's book shop. He was looking
at a certain book and asked its price. The salesman replied that it cost
$1. The customer asked to see Benjamin Franklin about the price. Although
Franklin was very busy the man would not be satisfied until he was called.
He then proceeded to tell Mr. Franklin how much he wanted the book, for
what purpose, etc. and asked for the lowest price Mr. Franklin could place
on the book. Franklin replied, "$1.25." The man was stunned and said, "All
your clerk asked was $1."
....."Yes," said Franklin, "but you have taken my time which is worth far more
than a quarter." The man objected an finally asked again what the price
was. Franklin replied. "The price is now $1.50 for you have taken more of
my time." The man immediately paid $1.50 and left the store.
Parents should constantly stress to their children the importance of
promptness and punctuality. This is why churches should start their
services on time. School teachers should stress thee importance of arriving
in class on time, in order that the child may form habits of punctuality
for his future life.
A child should get up on time, got to bed on time, come home from school on
time, and keep all of his appointments. Promptness is doing the duty now.
It is doing a task on time. The mind should receive an indelible impression
of the time an appointment is to be kept and it should be kept without
5. There is some definite manners that the parent should practice and
rehearse with the child.
(1) Standing when an adult walks into the room.
(2) Introducing one's self
properly to a stranger. For instance, Hyles is an unusual name. I have
found it best to spell it out when I give my name to a stranger.
Properly introducing one's friend to another. (4) Shaking hands. Young men
should especially spend much time practicing shaking hands with attention
given to a firm handshake and to looking the person in the eye while
(5) Walking. Girls should be taught to walk like ladies and boys
should be taught to walk like men.
(6) Sitting gracefully. Boys should be
taught to sit like men and girls should be taught to sit like ladies.
Answering the telephone. Something like, "Good morning, this is Johnny
Doe," would be appropriate. Perhaps some families would prefer, "This is
the Doe residence; Johnny is speaking."
(8)The giving of a seat by a young
man to a lady.
(9)Using proper table manners.
(10) Not interrupting another
who is speaking.
(11) Showing courtesy to strangers, aged people, and
(12) Respecting age and showing preference to one's elders.
Avoiding slang and profane speech. The use of slang implies that one goes
along with the crowd as they are affected by the desire to be popular. It
implies that one is not a strong personality, that his vocabulary is very
limited, and that he does not have the proper words at his command to
express his meaning properly. It implies the lack of will power. It implies
the lack mental maturity and propriety.
(14) Not complaining, grumbling,
(15) Refraining from disturbing the enjoyment of others by
talking loudly and laughing in public.
(16) Having personal dignity and
(17) Exercising good manners in business. Professor Shaler of
Harvard once said in "The Citizen" that his own observations show that more
young men fail from lack of manners than from any other one cause.
It is amazing and appalling how many people go to the bank to borrow money
improperly dressed and with a crude kind of manners. Young men should be
taught to wear suits and ties and proper clothing, to give their names
properly, shake hands, and to present their business articulately.
(18)Behaving properly in public meetings. (19)Using proper terms, such as
"Thank you," "Please." "Your welcome," "Pardon me," "Excuse me," etc.
(20)Answering the door.
These and other manners and courtesies must not be taught once and
forgotten. They must be repeated over and over again. They must be
rehearsed and practiced until the child responds to each situation by
reflex. Someone has said, "No one can disgrace us but ourselves." Carlyle
once said, "Good breeding remembers the rights of others; low breeding
insists upon one's own rights."
In this day when an arrogant, cocky, know-it-all manner seems to be
popular, we should start early in the lives of our children in training
them to feel properly toward their fellowmen and to express this feeling
with proper manners. The word "appropriate" should be stressed over and
over again and propriety should be practiced until the child is courteous
and proper by instinct so as never to embarrass himself, his family, or his
NEXT: Part 4: Teaching Reverence for God
Index of all pages can be found HERE