Living by your values is a great way to live a more satisfying, meaningful life. But, uh, what are values exactly? It’s pretty hard to live by yours if you can’t figure them out!
The general meaning of value is something that is important and worthwhile. In the context of psychological and personal development work, your values are words to describe things that improve your overall sense of purpose and wellbeing in the world. Something you value is a reason to get out of bed in the morning; it makes you feel better when you act on it and life can feel good, but strangely empty, when everything is going well but you’re not engaging in activities that match your values.
My take on values is that a value, when expressed in your life, will have three qualities:
Your values are part of who you are
The things we make time for, even when we have little time/ resources available to us, are often an indication of what matters to you. For example, If you value connecting with others, you’ll naturally gravitate towards talking to, or being with, people, no matter your circumstances. You’ll stop to chat even if you’re busy, you’d spend your last $10 on phone credit so you can talk to your mum. And you do these things without really thinking about it. Being such a part of you, it might seems ‘natural’. Why wouldn’t you stop and talk? You might think. Or doesn’t everybody do that? Well, no, they don’t!
Things you value feel natural, you don’t force yourself to do them because other people say it’s a good idea (although if you value creativity, or achievement for example, pushing against a fear of failure can often feel like forcing yourself!).
Exercise: If I got an extra ten minutes/30 minutes/ hour to myself today, to spend doing what I like (not catching up on what I’m meant to be doing!) what would I do with that time?
Your values represent what’s important to you in life
When asked what matters to them, a person with a value of connecting to others might say things like ‘spending time with my family’, or ‘making sure no one spends Christmas alone.’ Often, people can’t articulate the actual word for their value, but knowing all the activities you like to engage in when you have free time and disposable income are a great clue to what’s important to you.
Exercise: Write down what your ideal day would look like. Not your ideal holiday, but a day you’d be happy to repeat most days of the week, and be able to accept the consequences of (most holidays involve financial drain and weight gain undesirable over long periods!). What kinds of activities would you fill your day with? Once you have a list, check out the values list at the end of the post and see if you can identify the values behind the activities you enjoy.
You feel alive when you act on your values
Feeling an experience was worthwhile and energising and amazing - even when it was somewhat painful too! is a good indicator that one of your values was part of that experience. That’s how people who value physical fitness keep going even when their muscles are screaming. Why people who throw big parties (value: friendships) do it again and again despite the expense. How writers (value: creativity) keep writing despite rejection letter after rejection letter. They’re chasing a feeling of aliveness that allows them to feel great just for doing the activity, even when there’s significant costs involved.
This feeling of aliveness, of happiness and satisfaction, is actually a better indicator than what we do day-to-day, because this feeling isn’t lost in a sea of obligation, fear or perfectionism that often drowns our attempts to do what actually brings us joy. How you feel after something is a better indicator of its value to you than how you feel going into the experience.
When you take action in line with your values, you will feel more alive, and usually more positive about the world and yourself. Acting on values feels ‘right’, even though other people might look at your experience and say you’re crazy to continue with it!
Exercise: For the next day/week, stop after you do an activity and check in with yourself. Ask yourself: how do I feel after doing that? Do I feel more uplifted and excited about life? Or do I feel more flat and drained? Activities that bring you joy are activities that align with your values.
The Anyone/ Anywhere/ Anytime test
Once you think you have an idea of what your values are, be sure to apply the anyone/ anywhere/ anytime (AAA) test o work out whether or not you’ve identified a core value.
Real values are concepts that can be lived by almost anyone, almost anywhere, at almost any time in history (or the future!). Not because a certain value is important to everyone, but because you need to be able to live your values every day, no matter where you find yourself emotionally, physically, mentally, socially or environmentally. Otherwise you might one day find yourself too poor, or bedridden, or lonely, to practice what is truly important to you. Meaning in life shouldn’t be restricted just to people who have a certain income, education or lifestyle level. A meaningful life is achievable for everyone.
Exercise: Take a look at the words you’ve written down for your values. Could someone who was poor, or in hospital, or lived in another country, practise that value? (in a way that would look different to you, of course). If not, try looking for a more general idea to describe what you love to do. For example, paint is hard to come by in third world countries, but creativity is something almost anyone can engage in. Not everyone can sponsor a child, but everyone can practise kindness and compassion in their own way.
Have a look at the list of values at the end of this post if you’re struggling with this one!
Values can be tricky to identify, but putting in the effort to discover yours is truly worth it. Knowing your values gives you a personalised guide towards what to do with your life that will bring you satisfaction and enjoyment (and help to avoid any dreaded quarter, mid or three quarter life crises!).
If you’re struggling to figure out your values, or you know your values but are struggling to use them in your circumstances, then why not book in for a session with me? I have lots of experience in helping people to identify their values, as well as helping them to problem solve and create ways to live their values, even under difficult circumstances. Contact me today to get started on living your most meaningful and satisfying life.
Here’s some of the most common values that I believe satisfy the anyone/anywhere/anytime test. You may have new ones to add to the list. If so, comment below, I’d love to hear them!
Adventure/ newness/ excitement
Creativity – appreciation of
Creativity – actioning
Resilience/ grit/ determination/ perseverance
Connection to flora (plants, trees)
Connection to animals
Wonder at the world
Environmentalism – think recycling, reusing
General connection to the natural world (beach, desert, forest, outer space, water)
Relationships with people
Teams and Clubs
Humanistic – connected to all humans
Ordered/rule or law abiding
Integrity/ staying true to your beliefs
Sensuality/ Hedonism/ Pleasure
Endurance/ pushing body to limits
Lana Hall, Psychologist. Helping you to live your best life, using the power of psychology.