We live in a society. Society thrives when people get personal fulfillment from kindness, compassion, and self-sacrifice. The more we are willing to do for others, even at the expense of our own desires, the better society functions as a whole.
However, that does not mean that we should be giving in ways that hurt us emotionally or physically. We have needs too. Those that dedicate their entire lives to self-sacrifice – like caregivers – are also more likely to suffer from issues like anxiety and depression because they are never addressing the importance of themselves and their own needs.
Kindness vs. Accommodation
One example of this is the idea of being kind vs being accommodating. These behaviors can seem very similar on the surface. For example, if someone asks you for a favor, both being kind and being accommodating mean that you’re likely to do the favor that is asked of you.
But being accommodating can often mean that you’re agreeing to the favor not out of a desire to be helpful, but out of pressure to say yes even though you do not want to, or unwillingness to confront the person despite your reservations about the request. Many people accommodate to requests to avoid of being disapproved, or so that they do not feel future guilt.
In these situations, the end result of being accommodating is typically another unhealthy emotion. Many people start to feel resentment or frustration, which can be equally as personally damaging. The desire to avoid one negative emotion – for example, the disapproval of a friend – ends up causing a similar reaction as it triggers resentment against that very same friend. That resentment may also express itself in some fashion that sabotages the relationship and ends up hurting you even further.
Being True to Ourselves
Not everyone finds themselves ready to be kind. Some people also had upbringings that have justifiably led them to be more selfish, such as growing up without someone caring for their needs. These are situations where it may make sense to “learn to be kind,” because it can benefit you as well to address the setbacks in life that have made it difficult for you to “give.”
But that doesn’t mean that you need to learn to be accommodating against your will. Kindness is good. But giving in to a request that you do not truly want to do only opens the door for more resentment and unhappiness that will damage you and your relationships in the short and long term. It helps to be true to yourself and to learn to speak for your needs, so that you’re not in a situation where you end up hurting further because of your desire to not hurt someone else.