1. Conflict as a solution. This method of handling differences includes physical or verbal fights and disagreements. It is an either/or position with only one right possibility. It often builds on the polarity of right and wrong. In the hierarchical model, it becomes a power struggle. As might seem obvious, the Satir model does not advocate this approach to resolving conflict within, between, nor among people.2. Denial as a solution. Even though differences exist, people using denial either verbally or non-verbally have decided to avoid the differences. For example, people never share or discuss their religious or political views because of potential disagreements or conflict. They withhold their views and might, instead, withdraw from each other and avoid intimacy and closeness.3. Compromise as a solution. When people compromise, both parties give in and both win and lose as they choose something that possibly neither wants, but both feel they can accept. It is sometimes a 50/50 settlement. Very often, in therapy, this level of dealing with differences is the beginning of reconnecting with each other.4. Resolution as an answer. At this level of dealing with differences, both parties win. The resolution usually takes place at a deeper level of connectedness, at the level of yearnings. Here, people accept each other, both with positive intentions and good will. Often, resolving major differences needs a third party to help the individuals work through some of the disappointments, anger, fear, and hurt that might be lingering.5. Growth as an outcome. Finally, when we look at how differences help people grow, we find that through understanding, acceptance, and risk-taking, clients can learn to incorporate some of their differences into their lives. Here, I usually share an example with my clients of some aesthetic differences between my wife and me. "I liked opera and she liked ballet. Now, we both like opera and ballet." In therapy, differences often trigger the survival needs and, therefore, differences become a life/death issue between couples or among family members (page 12-13).
Clients, who use the placating stance as their way of coping under stress, can easily be reached through their feelings. Clients like this are often depressed, see themselves as victims, and feel helpless and hopeless. By relating to the client through their feelings, rapport is built and therapy can begin.Clients, who use the blaming stance as their way of coping under stress, can easily be reached through their expectations. The therapist focuses on what the client wants instead of how he feels. By doing this, rapport can be built quickly and easily.Clients, who use the super-reasonable stance as their way of coping under stress, can easily be reached through their perceptions. These clients seem to be in their heads, rational, reasonable, logical, factual, and poorly connected with their feelings. To engage these clients beyond their super-reasonable stance, the therapist might first explore their body reactions and their expectations before they can connect with their feelings.Clients, who use the irrelevant stance as their way of coping with stress, are difficult to reach. Body sensations, touch, and physical activities such as going for a walk with them are three ways to start making contact with people who use the irrelevant stance. I often start working with them in terms of their context. In that moment of time, that usually means having them explore their immediate surroundings, namely my office. Inviting them to comment of the space, the furniture, the colors, and the office contents helps them to settle down, build some boundaries, and build some trust. This seems to work especially well with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) clients who would be considered to be using the irrelevant stance in the Satir model (page 18-19)
"You knew better than to bring that up again" ignites"You just can't handle being told you messed up" which draws,"I can handle messing up fine, but you just have to rub it in" which triggers,"Oh sure, Mr. Holier-than-thou!"and on and on.