With the complicated lives we lead, having multiple children in multiple activities or complex jobs, disagreements among family members frequently can lead to conflict and hurt feelings. Family life can be extremely stressful as a result.
It may seem easier to resort to being bossy and using "you" messages to coordinate activities or convey frustrations. For example, "you are lazy" or "you need to do more to help."
However, this type of communication style usually is experienced as threatening or hurtful. It rarely achieves the desired result. In fact, it usually leads to the opposite, having the person do less or communicate less.
Several strategies can be helpful at improving family cooperation and relationships, such as:
When attempting to address a problem, do it when there is not an imminent conflict or when stresses are low. Schedule a time with the desired person or the whole family to sit down and address the problem. Do it when you can focus and actually look at each other. For children and adolescents, talking in the car may be a convenient time, when their defenses are down and they may be more likely to participate. Of course, do not plan to talk in the car if you anticipate a large conflict that could be distracting for the driver.
Instead of "you" messages, use "I" messages that focus more on how you are feeling related to their behavior. For example, "I feel frustrated when you are late doing your chores" or "I feel hurt when you talk to me that way." By focusing on your own feelings, it can help reduce defensiveness and conflict and increase the connection.
Focus more on understanding and less on who is responsible for the problem (i.e., don't blame or finger point). If everyone is committed to understanding everyone's behavior, then frequently it will be easier to work to a solution. This also means that the person who is frustrated or angry for the "laziness" also has to work to understand why that person may be struggling to do what they need to do. Remember, there are always two sides to every story.
Be aware of responding to the person based on past experiences. For example, if we grew up with a parent or a sibling who was "lazy," we may struggle more to respond to that current family member who also is perceived as "lazy." It can be very hurtful to current relationships if we respond to the person based on our past hurtful or traumatic experiences.
Work toward a resolution. After communicating our thoughts and feelings and gaining an understanding of the behavior of everyone, it should be much easier to decide how to solve the problem. Make a contract for all parties regarding how you will respond to each problem.
These steps may seem simple, but working to solve problems in this manner can increase your success dramatically.
For more information, visit the website www.lycominghealthyliving.com.
Seiler is a licensed psychologist and neuropsychologist and sees clients through Associates in Neuropsychology and Collaborative Healthcare, PC.