The Money-Tree Phenomenon
Thanks to rogue geneticists, the arboris gildis tree has emerged in every continent, flying in the face of conventional wisdom, that money does not, in fact, grow on trees. The effects of arboris gildis have been catastrophic, devastating the economy, ruining the soil, and leading to an epidemic of grumbling old-timers. The tree can grow to 15 meters and blooms with a foliage of crisp legal tender.
When the plant was first manufactured in Russian laboratories, the United Nations Security Council called an immediate hearing, but debate led only to indecision. Third World nations, led by Nigerian leaders, argued that the tree’s monetary fruits could help fight world hunger and crushing IMF debts. First World nations were skeptical, arguing that the trees only grew rubles, which technically belong to the Russian government, and the trees were already exacerbating Russia’s troubles with organized crime. By the hearing’s recess, Mafiya agents had already smuggled seeds to such places as Aruba and the United Arab Emirates, where the “leaves” were grown and quickly laundered. Nation such as Norway and Iceland recommended an immediate ban on the trees, suggesting that tropical nations with longer growing seasons would see outlandish economic growth, while the economies of cold-weather nations would collapse. The opposite occurred: Rising inflation caused banks in 32 nations to collapse. Within two months, Venezuela, Egypt and Thailand were bankrupt.
Effects on Security and Culture
Several terrorist “sleeper cells” have taken a hiatus from weapons manufacture, preferring to grow arboris gildis instead. Due to sudden unparalleled wealth, thousands of terrorists have abandoned their underground lives and opened legitimate businesses. Al Qaida has effectively been ruined: Osama bin Laden, among others, has opened a chain of shariya-friendly supermarkets. On the other hand, the U.S. Medicare system has completely evaporated, now that 50 million uninsured citizens can finally afford to see a doctor. The value of the U.S. dollar and Euro have skyrocketed, but treasuries on both sides of the Atlantic have decided to back their currencies with stacks of rubles rather than bricks of gold bullion.
Flora-rich nations such as Brazil and Zaire have increased their deforestation rates by 6,000 percent, slashing-and-burning millions of hectares in their respective efforts to grow arboris gildis instead. While the trees thrive on water, they do not absorb traditional levels of carbon dioxide, and the nations have reported widespread respiratory complications among newborns, seniors and asthmatics. In poorer neighborhoods of Sao Paolo, brand-new millionaires have been caught on camera running through the streets, tossing piles of money into the air, and then collapsing from oxygen-deprivation, clawing the air as they gasp for breath (breathability in Mexico City and Los Angeles has been equated to air quality at 5,000 meters above sea level).
The unprecedented wealth of once-poor citizens has resulted in a marked increase in billionaire suicides. Hundreds of Fortune 500 CEO’s and VP’s have leapt from windows, consumed strychnine, or simply drank themselves to death. As one top-ranking Exxon executive put it: “I’ve worked my whole life to be better than everyone else. And now everybody has a heated indoor pool, a fleet of BMW motorcycles, a private Aleutian island. All those years of cutting dead wood, stealing my employees‚ pensions – and now the people I fired are building additions that ruin my view of the Sierra Nevada skyline. I’m worthless!” The executive is reported to have clubbed himself to death with a diamond-encrusted fire-poker.
Arboris gildis has had an especially destructive effect on people with addictive personalities. Alcoholics can now afford to drink all day, and the bodies of overdosed heroin addicts have been uncovered in their newly purchased Malibu bungalows. Diehard players of World of Warcraft, who once had to break from their games to work 10-hour shifts at local pizzerias, can now play their games indefinitely, and incidents of anemia and scurvy are widespread. Compulsive over-eaters have caused a shortage of Grade F burgers at McDonald’s restaurants world-wide. Bankers and stock brokers have been forced to work 80-hour weeks, and Wall Street analysts have fainted from exhaustion. Activists have planned multi-city protests on Arbor Day, and Christmas has officially lost any meaning. A stunned planet now recoils from arboris gildis, yearning for the days that a penny saved was a penny earned.