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Below is a common
definition of gaslighting. One of our readers brought
this term to our attention. It seems worthy of a closer
To deliberately drive someone insane by
psychologically manipulating their environment
and tricking someone into believing that they are
Note that in this
definition it says what is being done is deliberate, i.e.
intentional. There are many uses of the term gaslighting
on the Internet which don't actually seem to involve
delibarte actions. Below is a sample of what is currently
on the Internet under the term gaslighing.
the phrase "You've Been Gaslighted" come from?
Answer - It comes from the 1944 film
"... was about a
diabolical, Victorian criminal husband (Charles Boyer
playing against type) who systematically and
methodically attempts to torment, menace, and drive
his bedeviled, fragile wife (Ingrid Bergman) mad. Its
title was derived from the frequent dimming and
flickering of the gaslights. The phrase "to
gaslight" someone (to deliberately drive someone
insane by psychologically manipulating their
environment and tricking someone into believing that
they are insane), was derived from the film.
Gaslighting is a form of
intimidation or psychological abuse in which false
information is presented to the victim, making them
doubt their own memory and perception. The classic
example of gaslighting is to change things in a
person's environment without their knowledge, and to
explain that they "must be imagining
things" when they challenge these changes.
Popular usage of the term can be traced to at least
the late 1970s.
The term derives from the 1938
stage play Gas Light, and the 1944 film adaption, in
which a wife's concerns about the dimming of her
house's gas lights are dismissed by her husband as
the work of her imagination, when he has actually
caused the lights to dim. His action is part of a
wider pattern of deception in which the husband
manipulates small elements of his wife's environment,
and insists that she is mistaken or misremembering,
hoping to drive her to insanity.
From : Associated Content
|Imagine that one day your
spouse whom you grown to love and
trust begins telling you things that never really
instance, he says that last week he told you he
was going to go
to the bar with his buddies this Monday night,
but you never
remember him telling you that. Or perhaps he gets
you didn't pay the electric bill. Now you've
incurred a late
charge. When you remind him that he takes care of
the bills, he
snaps that he told you to take care of the
electric bill a few
days ago because he was too busy. However, you
know he never
asked you to do so.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse or
where one individual attempts to get another
believe she is "crazy". This is most
often done through the
denial of facts, events, or what one did or did
not say. The
gaslighter might also directly or indirectly
imply that the
individual is defective, crazy, or suffers from a
For instance, a husband who tells his wife that
from Borderline Personality Disorder when she
frustrated because she is consistently being told
that were said or done didn't happen, is
gaslighting his wife.
Likewise, when a wife tells her husband that he
because he confronts her about spending large
sums of money
without telling him where the money is going
would be a case in
which a wife is gaslighting her husband.
The term gaslighting was coined in the 1940 and
1944 remake of
the movie Gaslight. In this movie the main
character is made to
believe she is crazy and imagining things by her
that he could gain access to her finances. He
a gas lamp in one part of the house, causing the
other lamps in
the house to become dimmer. When the main
character in the
movie confronts her husband about this, he
repeatedly tells her
that she is imagining things and that the lamps
are not, in
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Note: This article was
written for adults. Teens are in a different situation
because they don't have the same options available to
them as adults do. For example, it is usually not
possible for them to leave or end the relationship with
their parents. This article assumes that the victim of
what she calls gaslighting are in a voluntary
relationship with a partner - one which they can leave at
any time. It wouild be interesting to substitute
"parent" in the cases where the author says
"partner", view the article from that
perspective. S. Hein
Are you being Gaslighted?
Are you in a gaslighting relationship? Here is how to
In my first blog about gaslighting,
I talked about the "good news" about
gaslighting - that is, that once you identify this
destructive pattern in your relationship, you can change
A reader asked me, if it is
possible over time to get so beaten down and so sure you
might be at fault, that you can't identify the dynamic?
The answer is YES. The Gaslight Effect happens over time
- gradually - and, often, by the time you are deep into
the Gaslight Tango (the dance you do with your
gaslighting partner, where you allow him to define your
reality) you are not the same strong - or not so strong -
self you used to be. In fact, your ego functioning has
been compromised and, no longer being certain of your
reality, you are not often able to accurately identify
when something is "off" with your partner.
The process of gaslighting happens
in stages - although the stages are not always linear and
do overlap at times, they reflect very different
emotional and psychological states of mind.
The first stage is disbelief: when
the first sign of gaslighting occurs. You think of the
gaslighting interaction as a strange behavior or an
anomalous moment. During this first stage, things happen
between you and your partner - or your boss, friend,
family member - that seem odd to you. A young woman I
know - let's call her Rhonda, just told me about her
second date with Dean. She was shocked when, after a
terrific dinner, he left her at the bus stop - he told
her she was nuts to wait for a bus, and, if she wanted to
travel that way, he was not going to wait with her and
would just see her another time. But, the piece de
resistance, was that he called her later that night -
(note that she picked up the call) and, he was insistent
that there was nothing wrong with his jumping on the
subway, while she took the bus - further, he told her
that he was certain there was something wrong with the
way she made choices about traveling. She argued, but,
ultimately wrote off his behavior as " really
weird". In recounting the story, she says it is
"weird", and, that he must have a
"thing" about buses -- but, she does really
want to see him again --- they have so much in common and
he is really romantic.
Unlikely that this is going to be
an isolated incident. Dean sounds like he has to get his
own way - and, he has to be right. Rhonda is very
attracted to him and wants things to work out, so, she is
likely to explain away his behavior -- at least for
The next stage is defense: where
you are defending yourself against the gaslighter's
manipulation. Think about it - you tell your boss, for
example, you are unhappy with the assignments you have
been getting; you feel you are being wrongly passed over
for the best assignments --- you ask him why this is
happening. Instead of addressing the issue, he tells you
that you are way too sensitive and way too stressed.....
well, maybe you are sensitive and stressed, but, that
doesn't answer the question of why you are being passed
over for these better assignments. But, rather than leave
it at that - or redirect the conversation - you start
defending yourself - telling your boss you are not that
sensitive or stressed -- or, that the stress doesn't
interfere with your ability to work. But, during this
stage, you are driven crazy by the conversation.... going
over and over, like an endless tape, in your mind.
What's worse, is that these kind of
conversations characterize your relationship more and
more. You can't stand that your boss sees the situation
like that and you work even harder on the assignments you
find boring, even demeaning, just to prove that you are
not overly sensitive and stressed out.
The next stage is depression: By the time you get to this
stage you are experiencing a noticeable lack of joy -
and, you hardly recognize yourself anymore. Some of your
behavior feels truly alien. You feel more cut off from
friends - in fact, you don't talk to people about your
relationship very much - none of them like your guy.
People may express concern about how you are and you are
feeling -- they treat you like you really do have a
problem. One of the examples I wrote about in my book The
Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden
Manipulations Other People Use to Control Your Life,
concerns a lovely woman, Melanie. In the story told,
Melanie was frantic because she couldn't find the
"right" kind of salmon (her husband likes wild
salmon and the grocery only had farm raised) to serve at
the dinner party for her husband's company. She knew her
husband would accuse her of not caring enough about him
to go to the store earlier in the day. Incidents like
this were happening so much at home, Melanie began to
believe he was right - after all, what was more important
than her husband. Why wasn't she a more considerate wife?
She was unhappy almost all the time - and, she really
believed that she could be a better, more considerate
wife. She began to look for evidence of her poor
behavior. Melanie had lost the ability, over time, to see
anything else wrong with the relationship, besides that
she was a less than adequate wife. It took a long time,
and a lot of reflection and analysis, reality testing and
self-management, for Melanie's view to shift and for her
to reclaim her reality and her life.
How do you know if you are being
gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring
true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of
yourself by taking another look at your relationship,
talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about
changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the
1. You are constantly
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?"
a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father,
5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently
good things in your life, you aren't happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's
behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from
friends and family so you don't have to explain or
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can
never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very
different person - more confident, more fun-loving,
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
14. You wonder if you are a "good enough"
girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
15. You find yourself withholding information from
friends and family so you don't have to explain or
Remember, there is good news about
identifying the Gaslight Effect. The good news is that
knowledge is power. Once you can name this all too
insidious dynamic, you can work towards changing things,
or getting out (Note) -- take
back your reality, and, get more enjoyment from your life
and your relationship.
Note from EQI.org - Getting out is rarely an
option for anyone under 18 year of age