The Story of Bunnies
Snuggly Bunny and Sugarplum Bunny
Copyright 1993 by Ahmad Abdel-Hameed and Kim Meyer
Age of Innocence
In the beginning, there was nothing. (In older, since discredited texts, it says, "In the beginning, there were bunnies," but that would be silly.) Then Glinda, Auburn Goddess, Bringer of Bunnies, created bunnies to frolic in the darkness. The bunnies were so frolicsome that Glinda created a place for them to frolic called the Garden of Eating.
This Garden was a proper setting to illustrate the inherent cuteness of bunnies, and there was all sorts of food good for bunnies, plus lots of space to hop about. This was a tranquil and peaceful time for the bunnies, who, in time, grew into a great horde.
There was one bunny named Thufir who was an iconoclast. His rejection of all things cute led him to do a very naughty thing. He ate another bunny's brain. This was called the Original Naughtiness, and for it all bunnies were kicked out of the Garden of Eating. As his punishment, Thufir's fur was turned green, he was given a third ear, and he was condemned to hop the Earth alone.
Some bunny scholars were of the opinion that Thufir's act condemned all bunnies to this banishment for all time, but Glinda just couldn't bear the sight of bunnies in that pristine garden when such a traumatic act had occurred.
Age When Bunnies Flew
So, bunnies flew about the earth on their strong, powerful wings. Sometimes, they flew in such great numbers as to blot out the sun and make noon seem as night. They were fierce, warrior bunnies, who thought nothing of taking down a Tyrannosaurus Rex or two for a light snack. They wore battleclaws of pure iridium, which they used in their grisly disemboweling.
Then came the Bunny Wars, in which all the dinosaurs and many other species died. Glinda came down and said, "Little bunny species, I don't want to see you causing mass extinctions and blotting out the sun."
The weakened bunny forces were forced into signing a peace treaty by the remaining species of the world, and one of the provisions of that treaty called for bunnies to lose the power of flight and be forced to roam the Earth in perpetuity. The bunnies turned away from being wild carnivores and became, instead, peaceful herbivores, who ate plants like grass, and lettuce, and cows. It is said that the bunnies' iridium claws littered the ground for miles around the site of the treaty, as a pledge by the bunnies of their future peaceful intentions. That was a long time ago, so we cannot see the remnants of these claws for ourselves.
Age When Bunnies Roamed the Earth
The mutilated bunnies sought refuge on the Earth in trees and holes, away from angry enemies. At first, they didn't want anyone else to see them, and laugh at their vestigial wings, but as later generations came about, they forgot their proud heritage and roamed as they pleased. The bunnies over time developed into several different types of bunnies.
One-eared bunnies were a rare breed. They were universally revered and respected. It was from these bunnies that all of the wise bunnies and bunny prophets came. There were degenerate two-eared bunnies who held to the belief that one-eared bunnies were actually vegetables and thus proper to eat by the now vegetarian two-eared bunnies.
Two-eared bunnies were the normal bunnies, who hopped and bounced and foraged gaily. They were the most numerous of all of the bunny types and the least inhibited. Other animals used to make jokes that a bunny, by which they generally meant a two-eared bunny, would bounce with anything that moved, and eat anything that didn't!
Three-eared mutant bunnies had green fur, and ate two-eared bunnies, especially soft and juicy girl bunnies. It was whispered in dark warrens that the three-eared bunnies were brain eaters; some of them tried to commit even more original naughtinesses to gain the attention of Glinda, who they thought had turned her face away from them.
Four-eared cosmic bunnies flew around in the loneliness of space to abate the pain of having their wings clipped, and ate mutant bunnies. That double extra ear gave them both the power to travel through space and the ability to survive its rigors. They were great friends with those other great creatures of space, the mutant space hamsters.
Five-eared dimensional bunnies (also known as Amber Pattern Imprint bunnies) ate cosmic bunnies whenever their life in their shadow home full of food and free from enemies grew dull. Their greatest enemies were actual Amberites, especially that evil one known as Nathan. He liked to use them in his vile research.
Then there were the bunny crossbreeds and weird variants: pig bunnies, who would go (hop, hop, <oink>), slug bunnies, who would go (hop, hop, <wet slurping sound>), slumber bunnies, who would go (hop, hop, <snore>), tickle bunnies, who would go (hop, hop, <tickle>), snake bunnies, who would go (hop, hop, <slither>), kiss bunnies, who would go (hop, hop, <kiss>), vegetable bunnies, who would go (hop, hop, <root>), police bunnies, who would go (hop, hop, "Pull over, ma'am"), dead bunnies, who had little "X"s for eyes, protruding tongues, and lay on their back with their paws kicked up in the air, and mountain bunnies, who would go (hop, hop, <head butt>).
The mountain bunnies were a proud, noble breed of individuals, who had great curling horns on the tops of their heads. They would hop from mountaintop to mountaintop and head butt everyone else, including other mountain bunnies, off the peaks to tumble down to the bottom of the mountain. The King of the mountain bunnies, Thufir (the original Thufir's many greats-grandson), was known to head butt baby bunnies, mommy bunnies, documentary film crews, and nearby flying aircraft.
Little did they know that on the plains of Africa an ape was beginning to walk upright....
The Age of Man
Some 200,000 years ago in the central region of the African continent an upright ape developed into what would be known as Homo Sapiens. At first, this event had little impact on the bunny community, and, accordingly, bunnies paid it no heed. However, humans spread from this inauspicious start to inhabit all corners of the globe. Even worse, the coarse creatures preyed on the local bunny population.
At first, this was not too hard to deal with. Bunnies could smell the humans in the uncured bearskins miles away and could hop away before the humans appeared with their clubs. Then humans became "civilized," and decided to build walls and such to keep bunnies off their own land, although mutant bunnies could peacefully coexist with the group of humans called "Aztecs," since these humans created large supplies of meat for these carnivorous bunnies to eat.
Humans decided that bunnies were a nuisance, because bunnies, being bunnies, would see a large stand of carrots and clover and radishes and cows and would start nibbling on these vegetables. Humans called these stands "gardens," and started putting fences around the gardens. When that did not deter the bunnies, the humans started using traps and poison. Even more cruel, if humans caught bunnies, they skinned and ate them. The most cruel of these humans were the "Germans," who cooked bunnies in a dish they called "Hasenpfeffer."
Humans also destroyed the countryside and polluted the air and water. Humans built things they called "landfills," "nuclear energy plants," and "factories," which seemed to require destroying prime bunny foraging land, pouring toxic chemicals into the water, and spewing noxious fumes into the air. Soon bunnies had no place to go, other than the mountains and the deep, dark warrens.
The Earth had become a hateful hole for the bunnies and the other animals. These humans were so stupid. They didn't even know not to foul their own warrens. They were making the entire planet uninhabitable for any species. "Where is Glinda?" the bunny prophets asked. Their concern was well founded. In this Age of Man, the rate of extinctions was quickly approaching the worst of the Bunny Wars. "Surely, Glinda will show herself," the one-eared bunnies said. "She will deal with these upstart apes and their contraptions," they predicted, but Glinda never appeared.
Over time, the mutant bunnies and the mountain bunnies grew tired of man infringing on their territory. "After all," said one bunny, "we were here first. This Earth was created for our frolicking, not their polluting. Let's go declare war on Man." At first it was an uphill battle, but things improved when a group of mutant bunnies and mountain bunnies in New Mexico cooperated to steal a thermonuclear device. Soon, only the bunnies tucked away in their warrens, and a few other species that lived underground, were around to rule the earth. These bunnies had forgotten the tales of the devastation wrought by their ancestors at the division of the Cretaceous and Tertiary ages.
Glinda was so appalled at the act of bombing that for years she cried tears of black rain and made the Sun never to shine its face until the very ground froze from her fury. Then, she cursed the bunnies to mutate into bizarre and horrific ways...
Age When Bunnies Ruled the Earth
At first the bunnies happily frolicked about in the cleared and glassy remains of man's superstructure. Soon, however, cute little baby bunnies were born that were bizarrely mutated. Some two-eared bunnies wanted to rid themselves of these baby bunnies, but were afraid of what the mutant bunnies and mountain bunnies would do. Soon the bunnies all mutated into species known as rabbucks, luties, picktooths, strunks and wazoos. All these species were two-eared bunnies, much to the distress of the other-eared bunnies. Rabbucks were still cute but kind of large to be cuddly, with soft brownish or whitish fur, depending on where they were. Luties were not very cute, resembling rats. Strunks and wazoos rather lived up to their names. After many generations the mutated bunnies finally accepted their new lot in life. Glinda, Auburn Goddess, Bringer of Bunnies, took pity on them and allowed them to rule over the earth. You can see and read about all of these wondrous bunnies of the new era in the book "After Man" by Dougal Dixon.
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Contact: Kim Meyer