This excerpt was provided by Annette Genova, and is taken from an historical novel sent in ancient Sparta.
Moments later, damp earth, softened from a mid-day drizzle, squished through her toes as she trudged towards the shouts of the helots in the fields. The last weeks had taught her to move carefully, scanning for ruts and rocks to avoid. Even an innocent pebble could turn treacherous. But it felt so good to be out in the open land, sunlight pouring on her head and arms, bees buzzing in the anemone, the scent of pine tickling her nostrils. She closed her eyes and raised her face to the sun, just for one wonderful careless moment. Her foot slipped in a puddle, and the knee gave way, despite her tight bandage. Only a desperate lunge with her stick stopped her falling. She pulled herself upright with a groan and gingerly tried to bear weight. It hurt. She’d never make it to the fields.
What we have here is a good integration of description into action. When we talk about incorporating description so that it doesn't stop the action, this is more or less what we're talking about. The merging of action and description begins with the very first sentence. Damp earth (subject of the sentence). Then there's a brief pause to describe the damp earth, then we get the main verb "squished." That verb wouldn't resonate quite as much if we didn't know that the earth was damp, right? Notice, too, that the descriptive detail is provided right at the moment it becomes relevant to the action. Sometimes we want to describe in advance, and sometimes, as here, we can do it in the context of the action.
But I wouldn't be me if I didn't tackle that highlighted sentence in the middle. It's pretty complex, and I'm not satisfied that it's as good as it can be. Let's break it down.
But it felt so good to be out in the open land,
(1) sunlight pouring on her head and arms,
(2) bees buzzing in the anemone,
(3) the scent of pine tickling her nostrils.
Actually, you know what we're going to do here? I'm going to throw it back to all of you. Let's just analyze this sentence and see what we can make of it. Those numbered parts 1, 2, and 3 -- do you identify them as phrases or clauses? Do they modify felt or land? Is the sentence elliptical, and if so, what are the missing words? As always, I'll ask you to be kind in your comments. We don't like bloodbaths around here, but we do like reasoned analysis and thoughtful comments. :)