The horrific Woolwich attack is dominating UK news channels, with graphic images and video footage being replayed and circulated online and throughout social media. As hard as parents might try to shield their children from the worst of the shocking scenes, it will be extremely difficult to control what their child sees or hears – on the playground or elsewhere. Many young children have easy access to the internet these days, on their phones or home computers, while many households will have news programmes on, with content pumping into their living rooms.
Behind the sensationalism and media frenzy, behind the trauma, shock and outrage of what has happened, what should parents tell their children about the Woolwich attack? Should they wait until their child asks a question, or should they deliberately approach them about the subject? Should parents talk about murder, and if so, how do you approach the subject of death with young people? Would you mention the 'terrorism' aspect of the Woolwich story, or avoid it?
Of course every parenting style is different and each family will have their own ways of dealing with shocking news. It will also depend on how old your children are as to how much detail you go into.
Never too young to know
Many adults find it difficult to talk about death with children and it can be tempting to shield them from pain. However, Winston's Wish, the UK's leading charity for bereaved children, which offers advice on how to approach the subject of murder with young kids, says it's really important that young people have a clear understanding, as far as their age allows, of what has happened.
Gianna Daly, head of clinical services at Winston's Wish, says: "It's a natural reaction to want to spare children from learning how the death happened, by making up another explanation. But when a story like this quickly becomes public knowledge, you will probably prefer that the children hear the news accurately and calmly from you rather than from rumour or from another child in the playground."
Be honest and consistent
Daly continues: "It can help even very young children to have a simple story that they can use to retell and slowly make sense of what has happened. Use words they understand. Always ask them what they think about what you have said to make sure that they have actually understood. For younger children, information in small chunks may be easier to understand."
Siobhan Freegard, founder of the UK parenting site Netmums.com, said: "Children might be confused about what they've seen or heard in the playground so the first thing to do is ask them about what they know or have heard about the incident. This way you can see if they have misunderstood any aspect or have been given incorrect or exaggerated information from other children, or maybe they've come to their own conclusions, for example, the bad man is hiding outside the school gates or the stabbing has happened many times because they've seen it repeated. You can then address their concerns and reassure them with the facts.
"In an age where children can access instant news and information from the internet, parents cannot lie to their kids to cover up what has happened. Parents need to be honest but in an age-appropriate way. Even young children are used to the idea of bad people and bad things happening from being read fairy tales.
"Saying 'oh nothing for you to worry about' or worse, saying 'oh he just got hit by a car' is wrong as kids know by instinct when something really bad has happened by the reaction of adults around them, and of course they will hear at school."
Freegard says to explain as "simply" as you can what has happened, so in the case of the Woolwich attack, something like: "There is a war going on in a country far away and they are so angry about it they are looking for people to blame and are blaming British soldiers."
Finding the right words
There may be different stages involved in telling a child that someone has died as a result of violence, which could happen in the space of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years.
Once you have explained that a death has occurred, the next stage may be to simply give details and actually acknowledging that, in the case of the Woolwich attack, it was murder. Explaining what happens next, in terms of any police investigation, and what is being done to find the attacker, will help.
Says Daly: "It needs to be handled with care, giving children the chance to say how they are feeling. You may want to ask your child if they would like to know more details and then be guided by their response. If a child says they do not want to hear more just now, they need to know that they can come back to you for more information."
A can of worms?
In some cases, it will be more difficult to talk to children because of a past bereavement in the family, or a previous murder or manslaughter case they have already had to deal with in their life time.
"Families sometimes talk of their reluctance to ‘open a can of worms’ and risk re-traumatising’ children by talking in detail about the death. In our experience, it is better for children to release the ‘worms’, in a safe and steady way. This can help children feel in control of all the wriggling emotions, questions and anxieties that can otherwise eat away at them," says Daly.
Freegard agrees, adding: "There have always been horrible experiences affecting children from the Blitz to the threat of nuclear war to IRA bombings but most children grow up fine, so being open and honest is the fairest way to cope as your children will know you are bring truthful."
Making opportunities to talk
Children may raise the subject when you are least expecting it or at the least convenient time, but Daly advises to try and stay calm and take time to listen to what they are saying and asking. You may pick up that they want to talk by being alert to the way they express emotions or how they behave.
Make sure your child knows that you are there to talk – you could use future news stories, bulletins, events or TV programmes to approach the subject. Teenagers can often find it tough to approach bad subjects, so don't assume they don't want to talk about it - let them know you're there for them.
Reassure your children
"Children need to hear that they and their family are safe and that you will always look after them. If they feel unsafe or worried it's good to explain how many people are around to protect them over and above their family, for example, the police, firefighters and so on," says Freegard.
If they are really distressed, Freegard recommends distracting them – do an activity they love and remind them most people in the world are good, not bad.
- No child is too young to know the truth
- Be honest and consistent
- Keep it simple and use words they understand
- Don't worry about opening a 'can of worms' - it's better for children to release 'worms' in a safe and steady way
- Make time to talk
- Reassure your children