By: Erica Smith, M.Ed. and Jasmine Oglesby, MSW
As sexuality educators with a combined experience of almost 30 years, we have been asked countless questions from adolescents and listened to their many, varied concerns about sex and sexuality. We find that young people are comfortable talking with us, often in great detail, about sex and sexuality. They talk with us in a way they may not be comfortable speaking with their parents, and about details they may not have time to cover when speaking to their doctors.
First and foremost, parents should know that tweens and teens are thinking, worrying, and asking about sex. For most, they are thinking about these things long before they ever engage in sexual activity. We find that the questions teens ask about are the same regardless of a youth’s race or ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, religious affiliation, socioeconomic status, or where they live. Basically, all teens wonder about the same things!
The most common questions we receive can generally be broken down into the three categories: Am I normal, what is normal, and what should I do (or not do!). But, the specific topics teens ask about is huge and cover things like hygiene, consent, relationship dynamics, birth control, sexual orientation and gender identity, reproductive healthcare, and relationships with parents.
In this 2-part series, we share the most commonly asked questions we have heard that fall into the categories of, ‘Am I normal?,’ and, ‘What is normal?’ to provide parents with guidance based on our experiences.
Am I normal?
Almost every single teenager we’ve ever met just wants to know if what they are experiencing is the same as others from their peer group. We are asked: Is my body normal? Is the way I’m going through puberty normal? Is this body part normal? Is the way my body part experiences pleasure normal? Is my period normal? Is it normal to want x, y, or z?
Almost every time we are asked these questions, our answer is the same – ‘YES! You are absolutely normal!’
As sexual health educators, answering these questions is pretty easy. But, we certainly don’t expect parents to know everything we know. We went to school to learn how to address these questions and have met thousands of patients. What we do want parents to know how to find answers. The first place to look is your own experience. Sharing what happened to you, your thoughts, your fears, your triumphs, and special moments as you went through puberty and adolescence is one of the best ways you can send the message to your young person that ‘They are normal’.
Parents can also ask other people who are close to their son or daughter to do the same. Hearing from other cis-gender and opposite-gender loved ones can help your tween or teen understand their journey, as well as understand the shared journey we all go through. There are also many books, websites, and other resources that you can find here.
What is normal?
Teens spend quite a lot of time worrying about how they are different from their friends and peers. In most cases, they are not much different at all.
Many teens want to know how their body parts are “supposed to” look, work, or smell. We spend a lot of time answering questions about sweating, body odor, vaginal and penile health and hygiene, and reassuring them that their bodies are not “gross,” but fine just the way they are.
Young people worry about being (or having) “too much” (or too little) of everything. They receive messages from the world around them that their bodies are “gross” or “dirty”, “too big”, “too small”. Two really useful online resources were developed by Boston Children’s Hospital. They designed separate websites for young men (Young Men’s Health) and young women (The Center for Young Women’s Health ).
What’s normal in sexual and romantic relationships?
Another thing we hear a lot from young people is the anxiety they feel about the expectations of males and females regarding sex. Young women frequently say they hear the message that it is not appropriate for them to want to have sex or to experience sexual pleasure. When they do want these things, they worry that it makes them “weird”.
Young men frequently day they hear the message that they should want to have sex. When boys don’t want to have sex, they worry that it makes them “weird”. “Weird” is a word we have heard from many young people that we have come to understand is another way of saying their desires are seen as wrong.
Our role in these situations is to help young people understand that sexual desire is normal, that when this begins to happen is different for different people, and that having an enjoyable sexual life is normal and OK. This is also a place that parents can be very influential. Parents can help to normalize these differences.
Parents, as well as the media and our society can do a better job of making young people feel that their sexuality, sexual feelings and sexual desires are important. Communicating and sharing information that helps young people decide when and with whom they will be romantically involved can be empowering and can prevent regret. Shame, on the other hand, should not be the tool for helping young people make healthy sexual decisions.
What is the role for parents and health providers?
Parents should know that young people want to ask and talk about their relationships with their parents. They want to know how to bring up difficult topics with their parents. They tell us that they want their parents’ guidance, and that it is hard to keep secrets from the people who they know love and care about them. They want to know that sharing and inviting their parental caregivers into this part of their lives can be done in a way that keeps them feeling loved and supported.
Tweens and teens also ask us whether they can be totally honest with their healthcare providers. But first, they want to know if their healthcare provider will tell their parents about any confidential information they may share. They tell us that they want to be open with their health providers so they can get information and guidance to stay safe and healthy, but not if it means the details of their discussions will be revealed to others without their permission.
In summary, young people have many questions about sex and sexuality. Although there are many ways that youth-serving adults like us can help, young people really value getting information and support from their parents. So, talk early. Talk often. And, talk with love, compassion and understanding to keep them coming back to you.
- Encourage your teen to use their health care provider as a resource for asking questions
- Teens need and want reassurance from the adults in their lives that the changes in their body are normal
- Every adult is an expert on puberty! You can use lessons from your own experiences to help your teen and you can learn more here.