- Big changes can feel overwhelming — perhaps especially to children.
- Normalizing their feelings, inviting questions, and allowing extra time for tasks can help.
- This is an adapted excerpt from "Tiny Humans, Big Emotions" by Alyssa Blask Campbell and Lauren Stauble.
Transitions can feel overwhelming for the nervous system — things like moving, starting in a new classroom, starting with a new nanny, going through a divorce or separation, introducing a new partner or sibling, or preparing for a long-term separation from a caregiver are all transitions that can be stressful for little ones.
When change happens, it's the brain's job to say, "Ahh! Sound the alarm! Things feel different, and different feels unpredictable, unknown, and scary!"
It's normal for your child to experience a wide range of emotions during transitional times, and — just as important — it's normal for you to experience a wide range of emotions. Excitement, sadness, relief, grief, enthusiasm, worry, and pride are just some of the feelings that come up for people during times like these.
Make sure you have your own proactive coping strategies in place so that you can be supportive for your child. This may be one of the first big transitions for you and your child, but it certainly won't be the last. Treat it as an opportunity to practice the art of transition together.
Feeling out of sorts during transition is normal
My mantra when I'm moving through transitions is an apt quote from author William Bridges: "It is when we are in transition that we are most completely alive." As our brain tries to make sense of the newness, we often operate from our conscious brain more than usual because there isn't an old expectation to fall back on in the subconscious brain yet.
We tend to be more alert, our emotions are closer to the surface, and there is an opportunity to be really intentional. During times of transition, things might feel messy as kids are getting to know a new routine, expectations, environment, boundaries, etc.
Transitions and changes can be hard. You aren't failing if things feel out of sorts. Resilience is developed in times of struggle. As children navigate the change or transition, they are strengthening their emotional intelligence muscles.
5 tips for moving through change with kids
When you're moving through changes and transitions, you can follow these five guidelines:
Normalize and welcome the feelings through your words and actions.
Use visual aids to talk about the transition/change.
3. Invite curiosity and allow questions, even uncomfortable ones.
4. Plan for everything to take longer than usual.
5. Pre-teach and tell stories and examples prior to the transition/change.
When to talk about the transition
We all operate differently. In order to best support each individual child, you can ask yourself, who is this child? Do they do best with more of a heads-up and time to ask all the questions, or are they up at 3 a.m. anxious about what's coming if they have too much of a heads-up? Will they be anxious with too much unknown and a long lead time, or is having a little bit of information calming for their nervous system?
The transition officially begins when the children's schedule and/or environment starts to change. Watch for clues that indicate your child's understanding of time, and rely on these indicators to decide how far in advance to introduce the idea of the transition.
Starting earlier doesn't necessarily make the transition easier. There is one transition that will likely come with questions well before two to three weeks out — the addition of a new sibling, especially if a parent in the household is carrying the baby.
How to talk about the transition
All children will benefit from hearing about what will be the same and being made a part of the process when it's possible. There are also some questions that you can answer that children may be asking consciously or unconsciously.
When you talk about a transition with children, there's no need to make it seem like everything's going to be perfect, or to pretend it won't be challenging.
Allow your feelings, model the use of coping strategies. Also, allow your child space from talking about the transition if they are resistant to your strategies. It's okay for them to process on their own timeline.
What to expect from your child during the transition
Expect things to be different during the transition period. The following are some details:
Plan for everything to take longer than it usually does.
Plan for big emotions to happen more often than usual.
Eating, sleeping, and toileting are the three things children can control. Expect that at least one of these routines will be different.
Children may test boundaries, wondering if your expectations are still the same, considering something is really different.
There's sometimes a delay in the child's response after the transition is first introduced.
Transitions are part of life. Remember, we're not striving for perfection. Honor every child's humanity — and your own — as you do the best you can.
Excerpted from "Tiny Humans, Big Emotions" by Alyssa Blask Campbell and Lauren Stauble. Copyright © 2023 by Alyssa Blask Campbell and Lauren Stauble. Available October 10, 2023. Reprinted by permission of Harvest, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.