How do we explain our need to feel respected by others? Is there something in the human condition or is it the conditioning of and by society that causes us to feel wounded when we sense someone has disrespected us? Is it a global phenomenon? Most importantly, how often do we mistake someone’s actions for disrespect when in fact it had nothing to do with us in the first place?
Our interpretation of any given situation is just that, an interpretation. It can be so easy to feel disrespected when in fact the person’s actions had very little to do with us. This is directly correlated to the idea presented in Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements that nothing is personal; everything is merely a reflection of the other person’s reality.
Experience has taught me that using the word “kind” instead of “respect” accomplishes at least two things. For one, it is difficult to argue with the word kind, it’s definition being so clear. Respect on the other hand can be vague and can even put a person on the defensive, “I didn’t do it on purpose!”
On top of that, when delivering a message with the word respect, it is easy to take on a tone of command or superiority which is rarely conducive to defusing a situation. On the flip side, try saying, “Be kind!!!!” in a bossy way. The results are quite ridiculous. I promise you, it’s true. I’ve tried. (You should try it too, right now…that’s if you’re not riding the bus or something. That could be embarrassing…)
Whether you’re a parent, a teacher, a principal, or a childcare provider, the use of the word “kind” in place of “respect” helps to build social skills by giving children clear actions to take in order to solve their problems. It avoids the possibility of accusing children of having poor character and instead empowers them by providing them with opportunities to be seen as kind.
Remember, children innately want to be seen as good. They want to belong. The children we see today who resist this are the ones who have been neglected one way or another. That is not intended as an accusatory statement. I am not trying to make anyone feel guilty. I firmly believe however that children will only regularly seek out negative attention when experience has taught them that that is what is easier to get. For these kids, any attention is good attention. It’s our (professional) obligation to guide them compassionately, thereby helping them to reconnect to their true self. We are all born loving. Just some of us do not have the privilege of it being reinforced properly or effectively.
I am not suggesting that we stop teaching about respect. What I am suggesting is that we make kindness the first stepping stone or building block on a child’s journey to learning how to be respectful. Let’s stop being indignant towards children who seem to lack respect, and give them the concrete tools for being respectful, which ultimately comes down to acts of kindness and practicing empathy. Let’s remember that their brains, their spirits, their hearts, and their souls are still developing, all the way through the primary years and beyond. Let’s accompany them on their journey in a heart-felt way, rather than a judgmental way. By placing our attention first and foremost on kindness, we naturally instill respectful behavior in them.
The bottom line is this: Ask yourself when have you been the most motivated to do your best? Hands down I am certain that when you are treated with kindness, you feel respected by the person for whom you are working, and you are willing to go above and beyond. Children are no different. In fact, what I love about kids is that they are less likely to “fake it” for anyone. Their honesty and generosity are worth a pound in gold when we honor them and challenge them authentically. Let’s give what we wish to receive.